Really Quiet Now.

Against my better judgement, I decided to call Sara today. I took her giving me her daily schedule as a guilt free way of her asking me to call her occasionally. Well, that's not the case at this moment. She hung up on me before I could get the 3rd word out. I made a mistake.

Here has been the last 3 weeks in a nutshell:
Three weeks ago we talk - enjoyable conversation. Twice, including phone sex.
She wants me to know her schedule - I figure so I know when I can call and what days we can possibly meet up.
She even suggests doing our 'anniversaries' together. Check into the same hotel. Arrange to go to the same restaurant. (Our anniversaries are less than a month apart)
I suggest that if it keeps her around longer, so we can talk more often, then I'm willing to put off meeting too soon. Knowing what that puts her through.
Then I tell her I'm going on vacation and will be locking the account to help us both - and asking her to please be here when I come back. Otherwise I'll be calling.
I call her during vacation - being glad I had an 'excuse' to call. (inside joke)
She was fine, she didn't hang up on me.
I come back - she's not here.
I call - she hangs up on me.

Still Quiet.

She still hasn't checked in yet. Looking back I've realized the very last email she read was when I told her I was going away for 10 days and would be locking up the account (and my text messages) while I was gone. That was on a Wednesday before I left, and she never did come back to read anymore emails up until I locked the account on that Friday. Considering she never liked when I 'made the rules' as far as how/when we communicate, it's very possible this upset her more than I realized it would. Hell, you'd think she'd be happy that I actually was locking the account on my own! lol.

As I look back at this last time she was around, I don't regret blowing what seemed as finally a chance to see her again. It was obvious she wasn't ready, which meant she would have cancelled last minute on us anyway. I know the only way I can see her is to set a date and time, and be there. She will show up. But she needs to - at the very least - be checking in to see that message for that to work.

Truth.

Truth be told, I'm really upset that things weren't different this time. It seems the more open she is when she comes back, the quicker she closes back up and leaves. It seems that its those times when she is more cautious and reserved, being careful not to say the L word, is when she stays around a lot longer. I know, I know, most of you women will totally understand that, but I don't, and it really really sucks.

She was gone an awful long time, and came back for reasons unknown to me. But it obviously wasn't because her thinking has changed. Or maybe she thought it did? Maybe she began to feel something is better than nothing. Only to find out it really is more complicated than that.

Oh, maybe I should mention what made this time feel like it would be different. She actually, willingly, devulged her daily schedule to me. Not totally, but when I didn't press, she volunteered it. This is a first - at least in a long, long time. She always felt that by me knowing this, I'd use it to my advantage in some way. And she was right to feel that way. So why tell me now?

The first way I'll use it is to send her a belated birthday present. Knowing what day she's home helps me plan on having it arrive on that day. Of course, I'll also know what day/time I can be assured she's home if I decided to call her. Think this was her intention?

As Expected.

Well it comes as no surprise that Sara hasn't been back yet. I opened up the account on Sunday and she is still a no-show. I did call her last week - something was happening that is kind of an inside joke and I knew she'd laugh about it. She did, but I kept the conversation very short anyway. As usual I'm flip-flopping about whether to call her again. I know she wants to hear from me, and hopes that I would initiate the call. But on the other hand, I know she doesn't want to live with the fear that I'll call at the wrong time.

I think I'll probably wait until she starts checking in again. Even if she's hiding, I can at least leave her an email letting her know when I'll be calling. If it is a bad time, its up to her to let me know.

Last Update.

This is probably the last update for awhile because I'm heading out of town. Sara's hiding again. Until yesterday, she didn't know I'll be going away for vacation for about 10 days. She hates when I go on vacation. It's been the catalyst of her leaving everytime that I do. I don't think she plans on leaving, but something usually happens to push her that way. And this is pretty common for her to go silent just before I leave, but I don't expect her here when I get back. No doubt the timing sucks.

But, unlike other times, I won't hesitate to call her if she isn't here when I get back. She knows this, because I told her I will.

It's All Good.

Talked to Sara twice on the phone today. She surprised me with an early morning phone call at work, then later asked that I call her after lunch - which started out as phone sex. Both times we talked for about an hour, nothing in particular, just catching up. All her walls are down. Her wanting to meet me for coffee had nothing to do with the coffee. Just like me, she longs to see me again. I'm hesitatant to have 'that' conversation with her even though I know that right now is the best time to have it. She's in a good place and will be open and honest. We've gone down this road many, many times, and it always ends at the same place for her. I'm hoping if we talk honestly up front, maybe that can change.