Catch Up

I've been pretty busy and just now attempting to catch up on my favorite blogs. And I've also realized its been over a week since I last posted. Probably because there's nothing new to post. Sara did not show up at my gig last weekend and has now stayed away for over two weeks. And I think she'll make the 30 days she's trying for. The big question is whether she'll continue adding to that total or not. Obviously I hope she does come back. Even though I'm doing great and all the right feelings are in place, I still MISS HER!!! Imagine that. I did have a dream about her last night, but I have absolutely no clue what it was about. I woke up feeling pretty bad and I was missing her more than ever. But that quickly subsided as the waking process continued.

I've been asked a few times now if I've put my feelers out there again. Thing is, I don't think I've ever put them away. Sara came about as a result of my flirting. I never looked at that as having my feelers out, but since the flirting never stopped it was quite possible somebody could have stolen my attention away from her. That's one constant concern Sara always had, and it was the only thing I (secretly) agreed with her as a possibility. But she obviously raised the bar high enough so that nobody else had a chance in hell to jump over. But is that bar lowering now? I don't think it will until I actively decide to 'look' for somebody else. I do miss that rush that comes with an affair. But I also know for certain that anything that will come along will quickly become disappointing. I found my one and only. I can't expect that to happen again.

Guess Its Time

Aside from having a dream about Sara last night that left me depressed when I woke up, I've been doing waaaay to good. Maybe its a sign I turned the corner, or maybe its complete confidence that she'll be back. I'm not sure, only time will tell. I'm where I want to be if we ever really ended things. Anytime I think about her I get a great warm feeling inside. There is no melancholy or bittersweet emotions that surface as they have in the past. That few month period where she left her walls down and shared with me her angst, misery, wanting and turmoil has left, what I hope is, an indelible impression in my mind and heart. But.... only time will tell for sure.

Am I ready to walk away and never look back? Nope. My desire for her is still too overwhelmingly strong. Let's just say I'm walking away, but I will continue to glance over my shoulder. That's a start in the right direction at least.

Feel Bad and Stubborn.

As bad as I feel for upsetting her, I don't feel bad for what I said. And I'm actually shocked that what I said upset her so much. Nevermind that 6 days after our last meeting she sent me birthday wishes via email. Nevermind she then mentioned in another email how hard it is not to ask me to call her. I didn't even bring THAT up. I only suggested that her later email (almost 2 weeks later)requesting me to write her an erotic story was her 'coming back'. Not me breaking a promise. So, is she upset enough to stay away 30 days? Or more? I don't think so. I'm guessing after a few days the anger will subside and she'll be back to fighting with herself to not check for email. Problem is, there will be some waiting for her. I never promised I'd stay away as I did last time. I'm still pissed she took such a huge step backwards. And my stubborness has kicked in fulltime. Yes, I've taken a huge step backwards as well as a result of this. What's in the email? A specific time and place to get together.

Oh, one more obstacle for her. The following weekend I will be gigging at a festival that she and her family have gone to the last 3 years. And whether she goes or not isn't her choice. It has always been at the suggestion of her husband.

That Phone Conversation

I'm still playing that conversation over and over in my mind. I probably have got things all out of order, but that's not important. What is important is making sure that I don't do what I always have done when she gets mad and leaves. That'll just start thing all over again. We were in a good place, headed in a good direction, albeit no guarantee we'd ever get completely there. What went wrong? Trying to remember our 'memorable' conversations we'd had in the recent past are now muddied by her comments yesterday. The same type of comments she's used many times in the past to try to seperate us with her wall. And in the past I've successfully taken down the wall many times. But now its her turn to take it down.

As our talk progressed I sensed some distance between us. So I told her I love her. Then there was a deafening silence. I knew it. She's backing away. I told her it was alright and I understand where she's at. She apologized but then started with that list of reasons why this is wrong. She also threw in the irrational comment about how things would definately end if she just confessed everything to her husband. Then it would be all over. But things really didn't turn sour until she started to blame me for not keeping my promise I made the last time we got together. I reminded her that I promised I would shut down voicemail and not make any attempts to email her for 30 days. That's when I uttered that damning fact. She left ME an email. I heard a gasp from her, then a "you take it back" plea. Then a "that really hurts" comment. I knew immediately this was going to be trouble. She considers the 30 days a challenge now. She assures me she won't be back before then. And then she thanked me for reminding her that, among all the other things in her life she feels she has failed at, she has failed at something again.

Back To Her Old Ways

It would figure. In the course of my attempts to keep things upfront, genuine, and honest, I've managed to knock her back to her old ways. While having a nice heart to heart talk on the phone, I found her wall building. When she starts to list all the reasons why she shouldn't be here, and wondering what it would take for me to leave for good, and why do I always leave it up to her to end things, its wall building. But what set her off is when I mentioned that I had left nothing - no email or voicemail - for her to come back to, yet she still did. Bam! That knocked her back for good. I'll need to let the dust settle before I can even begin to decide what to do from this point on. We'll see.

The First

Well I asked her how I was to interpret her response, and she said my first interpretation was the correct one. Do I know her or what? So you'd think I'd have jumped on the opportunity and got things set up for another get together. But I haven't. At least not yet. And no clue why. But I think it's because I want to make sure she doesn't fall back into old ways. It's the only assurance I would have that we're not going back onto that coaster ride again. But I'm not sure what signs to look for that will give me the reassurance I want. However, I'm very aware of the signs that tell me she is back to her old ways. I guess I'm looking for the absense of these signs. Does that mean I'll be looking for nothing?

Five Times

Wish I had something to post about, but I'm still just laying back and seeing how things sort out. She had to 'take care of things' five times yesterday, each time sending me an email hoping we could take care of that together (over the phone). Unfortunately for me, I was too late receiving the messages. She hasn't mentioned wanting to get together since her begging incident, but I'm sure she's waiting on me to make that decision. So today I told her I wanted to see her next week. Her reply was: "Hmmm".

Now I can interpret that two ways. The first is:
"yes i want to but we're supposed to have stopped all this but damn i'm so horny and want your cock so badly but you promised me the last time it would be the last time but oh how my pussy aches when i think of your cock so deep in my ass that it's starting to drip but i wish you would just tell me when and where so i don't have a choice and don't have to decide if we do this again damn my pussy throbbing now and need you take care of it soon....so okay"
And the second way is:
"let me check my schedule" LOL. We'll see.