When the Levee Breaks

Although most of my idle time recently is spent trying to absorb the magnitude of damage Katrina has reaped on the south, this is not in reference to that. It's in reference to an unknown amount of feelings and emotions accumulating behind a levee of known porportions. And it collapsed. In hindsight Sara and I realized this was the absolute worst time to try to seperate. It's this time period between August thru October that we have seen each other the most. Probably 80% of our encounters were during this time. And 3 of her 4 kids were conceived in this time period as well. It's mating season for her. And gawd is she ever horny. The request she made a couple days ago was for me to write her an erotic story. The unusual part of it was that she wanted it in 3rd person. She hoped that it being in the 3rd person, she'd just be reading an erotic story involving two other people. Thus no guilt, or temptation. But it didn't work. It fanned the already hot cinders and burst into flames. She is begging to see me again. Hiding in her closet, jeans down at her ankles, ramming a dildo in her, begging. What do I do? I kept my promise to her. I left nothing for her to read. Nothing for her to listen to. I'm not the one starting us back up. Yet, I don't have the will, or the heart, to stop this.

BTW: Things have gotten markedly better for her. Her two boys are in school fulltime now so she 'only' has two little girls to care for during the day. Hey, it's all relative. And she has stopped obsessing (so she sez) about her weight. At one point getting down to 102lbs before a friend finally told her she looked awful. And the fighting with her husband has subsided, but she insists had nothing to do with our seperation. But I think differently. All in all things were very good for both of us. What happened?

It's About Time

Think I'll take a few minutes to post something today. A lot goes around in my head, ideas and thoughts I want to post, but I never make the time to do it. Unfortunately those ideas and thoughts are long gone now. LOL. So instead I'll do an update. I got an email from Sara asking me for an unusual request. The request itself wasn't unusual, but it had a slight twist. But to comply won't necessarily be getting back on that coaster ride again. That's something I can promise you I won't be doing again. And things with Nastya have slowed to a stop, and I'm not bothered by that at all. I didn't really put much effort into it, and it's possible she sensed that. Or, I wound up boring her with my unattentiveness. This feels good, and it feels right. I hope the feeling continues.

Back but Busy

I do have alot to post, but just no time to post right now. Still catching up on my favorite blogs as well as catching up on work that has been sitting for over a week. Sara and I had a brief exchange of emails on my birthday, but then she locked out the account after that. So its been over two weeks without any communications and I'm doing good. Surprisingly good. Wish I knew she was doing okay as well.

On Vacation

So far so good. Will be on vacation till next week.

It's Done

Yesterday was nothing short of awesome. We fucked. We talked. We made love. We talked some more. But it was very bittersweet. We knew it was the last time together. And she's counting on me to make that happen. I don't make promises I can't keep, so the only promise I could make her is that I'd shut down the voicemail and email, and not to leave 'one last message' as I always have in the past. Things for her at home have been miserable. But nothing more than any young mother of four young kids would experience. Over the past couple weeks I got to hear all of it. Everything she's been trying to keep from me. Things she hadn't told me in the past because she didn't want my pity. And she didn't want me to judge her. All the times she left me to try to work on her marriage. All the failures because she knew I was right there to run back to. And all those times when it is more than just a fleeting moment, when she thinks of leaving all that for me.

Yesterday was the turning point for me. For her. For us. She asked me why we couldn't be together. She acknowledged to herself and to me that we couldn't possibly keep up the sex on a daily basis, but even to experience it once a year would satisfy her if could share these tender moments on a daily basis. But these weren't pleas from her. She was just wanting to hear herself say it out loud. For both of us to hear.

She asked me what she could do to discipline her children better. She asked me when the fighting stops with the spouse in regards to the kids. She asked me what she could do to cope better with the total loss of desire for her husband. She even asked one last time what my secret was - what I did to make her orgasm so easily. She began to cry at that point. She asked why she had to give up ever having another orgasm for the rest of her life. Looking at the clock we realized we had run out of time and she immediately shut down. As she has done every other time when it was time to leave. No last hug. No last kiss. Not even one last 'i love you'. We got dressed, cleaned up the room, then got into my car as I drove her back to hers. What surprised me was that the conversation in the car consisted of asking me about every little thing that caused her jealousy in the past. I don't know if she was looking for closure with those things. Or if she was still needing to find something to upset her so she can more easily distance herself from me. But just as she was about to close the door, she looked back at me and said "I love you", her voice breaking as she said it.

But I'm happy. Very happy. It's the way I felt it needed to end. I don't know how long this feeling will last. When the reality of it kicks in, will I then have the strength to keep my promise to her? To know what lies before her when she wakes up everyday will tear me apart inside not being able to help her. But she feels I was responsible for making that worse, not better. I need to remember that, even though I have doubts that that really is true. But now she will know for sure. She won't have to fight back the urge to check for messages anymore. There won't be any.

We're On Tomorrow

Gonna try it again. And she has the sitter, the excuse, and wet panties to keep her from backing out. We even started the foreplay with some awesome phone sex yesterday.

But we also had a real good conversation beforehand. I'm pretty sure I'll be letting her go after tomorrow. The honesty in that conversation was long overdue, and we intend to talk more tomorrow. I don't have time to get into much details but basically she's told me things are horrible at home and that with me around, she has no desire to fix things. And that I will soon find her and her kids on my doorstep. And the subject of why I won't consider leaving my wife also came up. Not directly, but with indirect questions. Now she's done this before, so I'm not running scared, but this time feels different. There was so much more honesty and sincerity and in what she was telling me. Maybe that doesn't make much sense, and if I had more time to think about it, I could probably explain it better. But she has gotten through to me. I'll try to post more later today if I have the time, or else on Thursday.

Uneventful

Real busy today but I thought I'd let you know that the weekend was uneventful. Sara showed up with a friend, but just for a real short time. And husband and kids didn't make the trip.

But plans are in the works to try to get together this Wednesday.

No Change.

There really hasn't been any change since her last voicemails. We've exchanged numerous messages since then and she is definately not distancing herself. How odd. But this is now the second thing that has happened recently that in the past has always been a catalyst to run away. (The first thing was her emotional breakdown on the phone a couple weeks ago). I've always sensed that something is different these last couple months with Sara. She doesn't want to run anymore. But is managing to keep just out of my reach. I'm still not sure what her plans are for this weekend. I'm not sure she knows either. She is planning on meeting friends, but also bringing her boys and husband along. Not sure how that would play out for her. But I realize nothing is going to go down between us. Her plans need to change drastically for that possibility to become reality. But if husband is going to be there, we definately need to plan out how we're going to 'actively avoid' each other. Should be another interesting weekend.

He Knows About Us.

Or at least he has told Sara that he knows something is going on. He also told her he doesn't want to continue living like this and asked her to stop, or leave. Of course, he's said this a few times before, and I believe he'd say it even if nothing is going on. But what was different this time is a comment he made to her telling her he has come to grips knowing that things will happen and that he could handle a few random flings, but not her being somebodies mistress. At least that was what she concluded from his comments. I found all this out when she finally (after 3 days) checked in. It's possible that's why she was gone for awhile, but she never said when that conversation took place. He walked in on her earlier this week when she was checking messages and questioned who she was talking too. He didn't buy her answer. This is a phase he goes in and out of. Questioning everything she does, and then doubting her answers. She, of course, is feeling very guilty because she knows he's right, even though he's just grasping at straws. Needless to say, she wants some space right now to let things settle. She is certain he will try to find a way to monitor her phone calls, at least the outgoing and incoming phone numbers. Is that possible?

I told her she probably had been neglecting him a little too long and that's what is prompting this display of insecurity. I suggested that she take care of his needs, but keep me oblivious to that. LOL. This is turning out to be a very rocky fourth anniversary.