Permission

allowed to ask u 2 cll me w/o acct
opening or u clling me? if answer
is yes - cll me.

That was a text message I got from her today. Of course I called her. If the message is kind of cryptic, its referring a comment I made to her recently. How its seems to be okay for her to contact me without retribution, but the reverse is not true. As has come to be everytime we talk, it was perfect. We talked about everything, and nothing. But I think what prompted her to call was the very real possibility that she will be moving further away.

Her husbands business has expanded into a major city, and rather than spend all the money commuting to meetings regularly, he's considering moving the family there. And she is not happy about that at all. For several reasons, but its this one particular one that surprised me. I would have thought this was just the push she was looking for, but apparently not. Over the past couple years it had become increasingly more difficult for us to see each other. But moving from (the present) 2 to over 8 hours away will make it impossible. And that saddens her. I guess when push comes to shove, she'd rather have the hope of a possible get-together always waiting in the wings. I hope it goes without saying that I was as deeply saddened by that news as well. But until it actual happens, I don't intend on dwelling on it. I'll just keep looking for the next text message from her. Maybe the next one will be more than a request to call her. Maybe a request to go see her?

The End. Again.

Last Friday evening she sent me a textmessage asking me to call her. I'd like to say I was strong and ignored it, but fact is, I didn't see it until the next day. Surprising to me, I wasn't upset that I missed it, and I wasn't even sure if I would have called her anyway. But by Sunday evening I was concerned at how soon she had come back and thought something was wrong. She asked again on Monday for me to call her, so I did.

She was happy, content, and no hint of there being anything wrong. We talked for almost two hours about everything. Pretty much covered the same territory as most all of our recent conversations had. Yes, opened up email again (for the day) and basically we had a fun day. We had another phone conversation, which led to phone sex, later that afternoon, and about 40 emails were passed back and forth throughout the day. Yet, not once did I feel she was back, only just visiting for the day. We did discuss more about 'the talk'. But it was apparent nothing had changed either of our minds. Yet.

To this moment, I don't have a clue why that happened. At least not so soon after we had 'ended' it again. But I can tell you that my expectations of her coming back again is way to high for my comfort. She asked that I leave her one more email before I locked it up again. And now we are at The End. Again.

The End?

If/when i do come back it will be for good. I will not settle for only half of you.

Like all the times she has left before, I always feel its for good. No exception now, but this time it's different. She has put all the pieces to the puzzle together now. She has left me wondering no more as to what's going on in her head. And she has made it very clear what I have to do if I ever want to be with her again.

Although everything rests on my shoulders again, I've asked her not to test me. I still live with the hope that she will find a compromise for us - so I will fail her tests miserably. She told me she will not be back until I'm ready to give her a full commitment, and I have asked her not to come back unless she can accept a compromise. The lines are drawn. I hold little hope they will be crossed.

Desperation

People seemed to really focus on the threats that Sara has made. I thought I mentioned before that she has done this a couple times, and I don't take them seriously. They are just an indication she finds herself in some kind of desperation mode. We've talked a few more times and she has opened up even more into the 'behind the scenes' of her life. Stuff I can't possibly know without her telling me. As much as I don't want to divulge these things, they are things I need to remember if I'm to help end this relationship. But it summarizes to this. She feels she has finally come to a crossroads in her life. Her preferred path is a life totally with me. Not just partially with me. She wants to stop crying herself to sleep wishing I was there in bed with her. She wants me there instead. She feels her children are young enough to adapt to the change, and that my children are old enough to do likewise.

The other path involves 100% committment to her husband and children. Extinguishing all flames of desire that burn within her (her words). Helping her husband build his company into the multi-million dollar firm it will be within 5 years. And hope that money can buy her continued happiness. Oh, and only wearing frumpy sweatsuits wherever she goes alone so she never is tempted to stray again. lol.

So you can see why the storm of emotions have been blowing this week. Not only is she forcing me to make this decision for her, but she's forcing herself to really let go of me otherwise. I asked her why, if she is so sure this is what she wants, I'm the one that has to walk away. Why doesn't she just not come back? Her reply:

don't u get it!!

I CAN'T GO AWAY!! How do you stop doing something you don't want to stop. How do you give up something you don't want to give up.

It's finally becoming crystal clear to me now.

Where to Start

**Updated below**

So much as happened I'm not sure I can remember it all. I guess the bottom line is she's leaving. Once again. And as always, it looks like for good. It took a little while after our phone conversation for me to realize something wasn't right. I had asked her via email to explain and I received a scathing, cruel email in return. Now I knew something was wrong. Then I got this:


u have 24 hours to lock up the accounts.

if you don't i will call ur wife.

don't call my bluff. you will regret it.

call me, i'll call you. mail me anything, i'll mail you. drive to my house, i'll drive to yours.

Right now I can't remember details, and they're really not important right now. I knew things were spiraling downwards and I knew she was inches from going over the edge. I knew she was waiting on emails from me, but I didn't know what to say. I just wanted things to simmer down, but I knew saying nothing could only inflame things more. She again warned me to shut things down or else. My response was to tell her I was on my way to my son's baseball game - alone. Obviously I was hinting for her to call me. Much to my surprise, she did. She wanted to ask me a question, and I could only answer yes or no. The question was the obvious one, and after a long pause I answered "yes". After a longer pause she said nothing. I then asked when we could get together to discuss the reality of the fallout from my decision. She started to discuss it on the phone and I stopped her and told her we have to discuss this together. In person. The short of it was, she refused. She said my intention was probably just to convince her it can't work. My thoughts were that she would convince herself of that. It then became a very emotional exchange and the usual things were echoed back and forth. I told her I loved her, but if she doesn't want to discuss our future in person, then it's good-bye. And hung up.

Today, she's back to threatening what will happen if I don't shut down the accounts.

*Update*
Things are good again between us. She still is going to leave, and I promised to lock out the accounts. She called me and we had a great conversation, one I hope sticks with us both. She told me the reason why I'm the one that has to walk away: Because she can't. Because she doesn't want to. And the reason why she has tried desperately to avoid seeing me, is because she doesn't want to experience what an orgasm feels like again. She says she's almost forgotten, and needs to totally forget. Sigh. As always, this won't be easy.

Going Down.

So much has gone down since Tuesday afternoon, and none of it is good. I'll wait till it finishes before I post about it. But its pretty awful. Right now I'm trying to keep it from getting worse. Sorry for the tease but...... stay tuned.

Totally Blindsided

It comes as no surprise that this is usually how it happens. But for some reason I was certain this time was different. It felt like she had settled into a good place. I can give several examples of why I felt that, what made this time so different, but it makes no difference now. I was mistaken. In the timespan of lunch, she progressed from emailing me, asking me to list all the ways I want to make love to her, to calling me an hour later and asking me to walk away and promise I won't come back. She didn't even wait for me to finish that list.

That last conversation was a mixture of laughing and crying. I'm sure she was joking and laughing to keep from breaking down, but as usual I tried hard to refrain from 'talking' her back. I only defended myself when she'd - as usual - doubt my true love for her. And whenever I'd say something that touched her heart she'd shoot back that I'm just a damn charmer and so full of shit. I know these are all self-defense things she needs to do, but it's not easy to listen to.

Kayten mentioned about the 'jinx' whenever she assigns a guy his own special ring on her phone. For me it has always been whenever I'd make the decision to recharge our phone card. When she called, she noticed it'd been recharged and laughed saying I should have known better. I guess I should have known better.

It's All Good.

*Updated below*
Things are really good. Sara has remained open, and unguarded, with her feelings. I don't want to bore you with the little details, just that I've lost that feeling of being dumped soon. It's just something about where she is right now that's making me feel at ease with us. For the first time in a long time I feel certain that we will see each other as soon as the first opportunity arises.

*Update*
So, who saw the writing on the wall before I did? I received an early morning surprise 'wake-up' call from her. She just had a few minutes to talk, but later that morning we talked again for about an hour. Little did I know that I will again receive a 'wake-up' call this afternoon. Yup, called me to tell me its over. Once my head stops spinning I'll give more details.