Coffee.

Received a text message from her this morning. She tells me she has two or three opening near the end of April and would like to get together for coffee - if I think it's a good idea. I don't know how to answer that. Of course I think it's a good idea, hell, I'd tell her anything just to see her again. lol. Even so, I will plan to meet her, but I hope beforehand we establish a little better idea what she wants out of this. She should know by now what I'm wanting. I realize trying to coax her into talking about it beforehand will severly jeopardize the chances of actually getting to see her. But, that's not necessarily a bad thing. At least I'll know then, that she still isn't ready yet.

Finally.

Finally, late in the afternoon, she checked back in, read my email, then left me this:

tried to text u yesterday, but i guess the old e-mail isn't working. i was just going to see if you wanted to meet me for coffee this morning. Oh well... guess u are probably right.

At first I took this as her teasing me - she knows that would have been impossible for me to do at a moments notice. But I also wonder if she is being serious because she hasn't been back in since then. Only time will tell now. But I don't regret not calling her. I've been down that road at least 50 times and it's always lead to the same place. If she is being serious in the email she left me, then I was right to not have called her. She's not where she needs to be.

Call Me.

I knew something was up. I just received a text message from her asking me to call her. I haven't, yet. Instead I sent her an email telling her I have no desire to talk if she is just going to start threatening me again. And if its not that, that I'm also concerned about putting her back on that rollercoaster again if nothing has changed in her. Guess we'll see what kind of response I get from that. Stay tuned.

A Change.

Well, I must be getting through to her. Or possibly she's getting ready to test the waters again. In the recent past, her checkin's were sometimes two usually three days apart. Occasionally almost a week. Although somewhat regular, it was hardly close to a daily thing. Well, she's coming back more often. Last Friday, Sunday, Monday, this morning, and this morning again! Twice in the span of an hour. I'm re-reading what I have left her recently to make sure I'm not leading her on unintentionally. I've been hounding her with a particular question for over a month now. I asked her to tell me when the last time she ever felt 'alive'. You know, that feeling you get when you're with somebody special. Although I don't repeat the question each time, I'm constantly asking her for her answer. I wonder if she's forgotten the question?

Other than that, any emails I've left that pertain to 'us' has been in a nostalgic, reminiscing mode. The point I am wanting to make is that what we had is still something worth having again. She obviously can disagree and there's not a thing I can do about it. We'll see.

Don't Know.

Well, not that I could before, but I just can't figure her out. She did check in on her birthday as I mentioned previously, but not again until today (Friday). I thought for sure she'd be concerned (not necessarily disappointed) that no package had arrived and she would have checked in for clues whether she should expect one. But she did finally retrieve an ecard that I sent her on her birthday. She had not retrieved any of the other ones I have sent over the last few months, so I was sure she was aware that I would know if it was picked up or not. Not sure why she did this time. Maybe she wants to let on that she's checking in? I don't know.

So do I let on that I know she checked in? Maybe not. I'd like to know she'll view any ecard I want to send her.

There is Hope.

There is hope for me yet. Today is her birthday and I have not sent her anything in the mail, and I have no intentions of calling her today. I've only left an ecard wishing her a nice day, which I realize she won't open because she knows it would send me a 'picked up' message. But I wish I could say that I have no expectations. I do. I want her to be disappointed. I want her to realize that she does want me to make a big deal over her during these special days. I want her to start considering a compromise.

Guess nothings changed in the end.

10 Days

But she's back again. Well back but still hiding, so not much has changed. There were about 10 emails waiting for her and she read them all. I've got this gut feeling - or maybe just wishful thinking - that something will be different this time. Her birthday is less than a week, and I still haven't decided what, or if, I'm going to do anything. And I'm sure that's on her mind as well.

I left her this to read, which does sum up in a few words what I haven't been able to say in a hundred:

i know i can walk away from this - considering you haven't given me anything to walk away from lately. i just can't walk away from you.

Think its the same for her?

Screwed Up.

I'm sure it'll be for the better. Occasionally I'll leave Sara an email starting out something like "obviously you're here if you're reading this......". But in my attempt to stop sounding like a broken record in my emails, in an email I left her last Friday I shortened that to "you're here". The "obviously if you're reading this" was supposed to be implied. I think she instead implied "I know you're here"- since she hasn't been back since then.

It wasn't too long ago that I had asked her here not to read my emails if she's only doing so out of curiosity. It was a veiled attempt to make her consider the possibility that I might know she does read them. Well, it did trigger something because it was almost two weeks before she came back. I assumed that meant - whether i knew or not - she wanted to be here. That's probably what she's wrestling with again.

I've been trying to find a way to get us out of this stalemate for awhile so this, hopefully, will do just that. Of course I'm hoping, as always, that she decides to go my way. But it's totally up to her to decide that.

For those of you who think I'm still being cruel and manipulative, I'll repeat, it's totally up to her to decide. She will continue to do what SHE wants to do, and I will continue to do what I want to do. We both have the same freedom of choice. Period.