For Every Day

For every day that passes without Sara, is one more day I regret not going further with that other woman. Although I felt I was doing the right thing, it doesn't feel like it at all. Especially now. Her name was Dylan (or Dilon, or Dillon, or ??? I have no idea how to spell it), and she could have been a big help in helping me move on from Sara. Does that mean I love Sara any less? Nope. Would I be setting myself up for another serious affair. Yup. But with a much greater knowledge of how things could inevitably end up, I won't be venturing into uncharted territories. I can make sure I steer a course into much safer waters. But that is not meant to be with Dylan as we were (Ok, I just have to add another boating cliche')just two ships passing in the night. ;)

It's All About Me.

Ok, here are some rambling thoughts about me. Maybe knowing these things will help make sense of what I do and why. I never let anything stand in the way of me doing what I want to do. Yet I'm more a 'B' type personality. Go figure. But what comes from that combination is a consideration not to step on other people to get what I want. Not wanting to hurt anybody in the process. Thus the challenge and the constant dilemna. Of course, if my affair became known to my wife and kids, they will be hurt badly. But remember - nothing stands in the way of me doing what I want. So.... I just won't get caught. I'm bad at 'what if' scenarios. I can't realistically deal with hypotheticals. It's not a problem to me until its a problem. Yet, I always cover my bases. Prepare for the worse, but hope for the best. When I'm happy, my family reaps the benefits. In spades. Sara makes me happy. There is absolutely no diluting of emotions for either party. Of course things would be peachy if it were my wife that made me that happy. But she isn't, so I deal with the reality.

Everything that has been pointed out to me are things I've already dealt with in my mind. And for that reason I have never considered for more than two moments leaving my family for Sara. Not that I doubted what we had was special, but I'm enough of a realist to know it can't stay that way. But recently I've realized how unfair that was to Sara to not even consider/discuss the possibility. Especially when I realized she was using that as a measuring stick for my love for her. Although things ended wonderfully for us, I know Sara and I know doubt has crept back into her mind. That's why the hidden messages. I wanted to explain to her (in a 3rd party sort of way) how a discussion like that might have gone. Unfortunately she ended that 'discussion' at the wrong moment. I know what I've left her with, and I know its hurting her. And that's whats driving me crazy right now. I HAVE to figure out some way to make this right. Without stepping on her.

There is no doubt in my mind I can get her back. If this was only about that, I would have done it by now. Something she said to me (twice) that I always try to use to guide my actions: "you have my heart in your hands..please be gentle". I still feel like I do...and I must.

It's Only a Nudge.

First off I want to emphasize that I do not put any blame on Sara for anything. I totally shoulder the responsibility for what has gone on. With that said, I'm surprised at how many people forget the fact that she is partially responsible for all this. Including my actions or reactions to her decisions. Considering what has always been the inevitable (in hindsight), I have only tried to hurry along the process. I nudge her, and she allows herself to be nudged. Its up to her what direction she's facing when I do that.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place.

Once again, my reply to a comment became a new post instead.

Oh hell yeah I want to fuck her. But I also want to hold her, kiss her, stroke her skin, look in her eyes, listen to her voice, hear what's going on in her life, what her kids are up to. Basically just be with her.

If you've followed this whole affair, you'll remember that it has only been recently (july '05) that she ever first hinted of asking me to leave my wife. Any other time she brought it up before was in reference to if 'the shit hits the fan' what would I do. And everytime, I told her I'd be there for her. I only figured out recently that those were probably attempts at feeling out my real intentions for her.

VM, you're totally correct in the problematic logistics involved in us being together. I suspected such and that's why I would never even allow myself to consider going there. Until now. I know for certain Sara has never considered that, and once she had to, maybe she'll realize its totally out of my control. And that its never been a matter of choosing my family over her. Something I desperately need her to believe. And making no attempts to contact her won't help that cause.

Sara has always been insecure with our relationship. Even though I went overboard trying to convince her my love was real and sincere, she still had the ability to find holes where none existed. And thus she has been contradictive in most all of her 'wants'. Big surprise. Lots of women are like that. Her 'wanting' of me fulltime will probably fall apart when she realizes what the aftermath will look like. Her 'all or nothing' is nothing more than a hope that I will show her just how much I love her. What better indication of that than choosing her over my family?

Cards on the table. Through dialogue, I feel she'll come to the same conclusion that I had come to. But I realize there is that chance that she convinces me otherwise. Either way, I want her to know that I have seriously considered it and if its not meant to be, it isn't because I've choosen my family over her. So, removing that insecurity should allow her to decide if its really an 'all or nothing' kind of thing. With the knowledge of why it can't be 'all', and her newly found belief that I truly love her unconditionally, I'm hoping she'll also feel that 'some' is better than 'nothing'.

I Know, I Know

As is the case most times, whenever I attempt to reply to comments, it turns into subject matter for a new post. This is in response to comments on my post yesterday.

I know, I know. I promised myself I wouldn't contact her unless I was willing to make this 24/7. I have accepted the fact that continuing the way we were has caused her way to much grief. But I also know that she has always looked to me to fix things for us. Make it work. That's why she has come back so often because her way brought her just as much grief. Of course, I was unaware of this untill about 6 months ago when she finally confided in me with this fact. All along I assumed she came back because she wanted back into what we had. Now I know better, and now I feel a greater responsibility towards her. But I'm finding it hard to give up on us. I made myself except the line in the sand she has drawn because it would make me take a real hard look at our relationship and how very serious our situation has become. And how it is now time to actually seriously consider the possibility of us being together fulltime. But I can't do this on my own. I need her to participate in this discussion because I'm not sure she has actually considered it seriously either. It is this discussion I wanted to initiate when/if we got together again.

A Potential Regret

I've been entertaining thoughts about a rendezvous with Sara. But only letting myself think about it when I'm doing good. Obviously if I'm longing for her my judgement is going to be clouded. I'm just thinking about regrets and how I'll feel if I never try to see her again. She's good at shutting down emotionally after our hookups, so I'm not too concerned about knocking her back a ways. And gawd knows I know she needs the release as much as I do. My biggest concern is having to call her. After the incident with her personal email account, I don't want to force her into changing her home number as well in order to totally shut me out of her life. And I'm also wondering if its better to give her short notice - meet up within a couple days - or long notice to give her something to prepare and look forward too. Obviously one way gives her little time to chicken out, but the other way keeps her from panicking. V-day is coming up real soon so I need to decide.

Contradictions

I've had a mixed bag of thoughts that surface occasionally that - when standing by themselves - tend to be a reasonable explanation as to why I'm still in a good place. But taken together they seem to be very contradictory. Yet in no way do I feel confused because of it. Which of course just adds to the contradiction. Whenever I get the urge to call Sara or contact her in some way, I think to myself "If she could see me, how do I want her to see me?" My answer is that I want her to see a decisive, strong, and happy person. I want her to be proud of me. Yet I know it would probably hurt her to see me that way and that would upset me for having done that. It meant to her that I've moved on. Yet I never waiver from that impression I want her to have of me. And how about this: Whenever my thoughts of her brings a longing in my heart and I start to feel depressed, I turn it around by thinking of one of those memorable family moments that I long for as well. That longing feels so much better. So much happier. Yet, my desire is to relive those moments with Sara. One last thought. I have no expectations of Sara coming back, yet just to be contradictive, I also don't feel like this is the end. Go figure. I'm not struggling with any of this. And I feel absolutely no confusion either. Don't know how that's possible, and I don't think I care. It works for me. And if sometime down the road I realize that I've been subconsciously hanging onto a pipe dream..... well.... then time is now on my side and I've already gotten past that big first hurdle that comes from physical seperation.

The Want to Want to Move On

I want to move on now, but I want to be here when she comes back. I want the heartaches to stop, but I want to feel her heart beating up against me once more. I want the desires to stop, but I want the feelings of her desires for me to continue. I want the memories to end, but I want to continue making new ones. I've been through this, as you all know, many times before. I've always chosen to be here for her when/if she comes back. I made the choose to get back on this ride many times because the alternative of never riding again was never considered an option. I want that to be an option now. I want to not want to be here anymore. I want to not want to continue on the roller coaster I've been on these last four years. I want it to now be time to move on.

A Confession

I have been slipping Sara discreet emails the past week. They were probably even too discreet for her and she never even saw them. I hide them in junk mail sent to her joint account she shares with husband. (She would have to highlight the blank field at the bottom to see the message). I had no way to tell her, so I would place a word in the subject, or use a name we both knew as the sender, just something to make her think it could possibly be from me. Well, she did find them. I know this because yesterday she closed that account. Completely. Within an hour after I sent another discreet email. No, she didn't block me. She couldn't because I would use a different email address each time so as to avoid suspicion from her husband. Here is the email that upset her. This was just part 3 of a continuing story I was telling in 3rd person. Actually I think I should let you see the first two parts (condensed) so you know where I was leading:

Part 1:
she had drawn the line now. he knows his only way to cross it is to give her what they both desire. she had agreed to meet him to discuss the feasability of a future together forever. she suspects it might be a trap. a ruse. that he has no intention of giving her what she wants, but rather taking what he wants. she never could trust her heart which has always ached for the love he would give her. she only recently has opened up to that trust. but it is waning now. and she has long ago realized he knows her to well. even in her silence he senses her desires. her expectations. her pain. could he really be serious? but before any words could be exchanged, he had her wrapped tightly in his arms as they melted into a deep passionate kiss. all her doubts and concerns melted as well. she pulled him over the line..... just as he was about to penetrate it. and her .... tbc.

Part 2:
he didn't want to lie to her. all his dreams and hopes have been wrapped up with the desire to be with her again. he really had come to talk, but he knew they'd need to release on each other first. it clears the mind for both of them. in the tangle of arms and legs they became a blur, trying despeartely to climb into each other. trying despeartely to make up for so much lost time. as she wraps her legs around his waist, she throws her head back just at the moment he enters her............ /snip/ ...........with his final plunge she screams as he keeps it deep within her, her body becoming completely stiff as she rides her orgasm. the screams become subdued moans as she comes down from it. her body sinking into the sheets he withdraws from her and lets her melt into his arms.

as he watches her sleeping in his arms, tears well up in his eyes. how can he tell her his fear. how can he explain why he's afraid to give himself totally to her? would she understand? would she have solution?...... tbc

Part 3 (last one she read)
as her eyes opened to him staring down on her, a smile comes across her face. "we have to talk". "yes, i know" she answers. he hesitates as he searches for the right way to begin. "don't you think that if we were always together, it would ruin what we have?" the smile in her eyes now disappear as he is now looking deep into her 'need you' eyes again. her eyes were always a door to her soul. he always knew where she was just by her eyes. "i love you more than life itself, you know that. but i'm scared that what makes us so special is because we ARE limited". "we have such intensity for each other because of so little time". her eyes now look away from him as she begins to ponder that thought. he continues, "you are the most wonderful thing to happen to me in my whole life, and i don't ever want that feeling to change. but i also can't live without you." "And I realize now how important it is for you, for us, to seriously consider a life together. As I've always said - life is too short for regrets." She looks back up at him. Looking deeply into his eyes, he is confused by what her's are telling him. Is she hurt by what he just said? Has he frightened her as well? Or is it just shock as she tries to absorb what she has just heard from him? "Is that what you really want?" she asks. "All I know is that I want you", is his reply.........tbc.

I'm guessing she felt I was just going to reaffirm to her that I would not leave my family for her. My next part was going to continue in that dialogue, hoping maybe she'll realize she'd have as much of a problem doing that as well. I'm guessing she didn't want to find out. Or already knew the answer.

Started

Well I've started to post several times these past two weeks, but just either couldn't come to grips with how I'm feeling, or I didn't feel I had anything interesting to say. Ditto today. I do know I'm growing impatient, scratch that, I've grown impatient and I want to hear something from Sara soon. But I also don't really have any expectations that I will hear from her. Which quite possibly could mean that I intend to contact her. But I don't. At least not unless I can offer her what she wants from me. But I feel she might regret (slightly) drawing that line. Is she waiting for me to contact her, and in turn, give her a way out of her ultimatum? Or is that just wishful thinking. Probably wishful thinking, but remember, there really isn't anything I've haven't (eventually) been proven right about her.

So you can see, I'm thoroughly confused as to where I'm at. And what I intend to do. Or not do.