Patience.

**Updated Below**

Although Sara mentioned her desire to meet up right after she put her friend back on the plane home, she figured she already needed a sitter and would just extend the sitters time. But I didn't persue it because I didn't want her to be distracted during her friend's short visit. She had a great time and even though she had limited access to her computer, she told me as much as she could. That included several comments that told me she was totally there for me as well. Yesterday morning her friend went home, however she might now have another house guest for a few weeks. She's been excited that her other distant friend will be moving to her city since her husband got a job there. Her friend contacted her and asked if her husband could stay at their house the first couple weeks until he found an apartment and could move his wife (her friend) there as well. Oh well. As frustrated as I am at hearing this, I guess I've waited many times in the past for her. Just seem a little short on patience right now. But she wants me to call her today, we just need to figure a good time, so I hope I can hide my frustration for her sake.

*Update*
We had a great conversation, talked about everything we've done since the last time we talked. It felt like we were sitting together on a couch somewhere just talking. She didn't hestitate to tell me how much she loves and misses me - which, when she does hesitate, tells me she's trying to pull away. And although we didn't talk seriously about 'us', we did joke around the subject. I was smiling so much (as usual) that my cheeks are sore (as usual). So why do I have this bad feeling? Has she conditioned me to the point that now my heart feels the inevitable coming? Before it was just my mind trying to keep me from hoping to much hope, but now my heart is doing so as well. That sucks. That really sucks because it's these 'up' times that allow me to endure the down times. I'm not feeling so 'up' right now.

Her Diversion.

I don't really have a way to gauge on how things are with Sara. She had a friend from out of the country come to visit this past Wednesday and she'll be staying a week. I do expect Sara to use her friend as a diversion to keep from falling too far back. And I suspect she's hoping it'll help her turn around again, but I also suspect she'll be back once her friend leaves. The last time we talked she was hoping I can meet her after she drops her friend off at the airport. After a two day absense, she did finally check her email, but didn't reply to any of them. But that's ok, because I do want her to enjoy her friend for the short time she'll be in town.

Good Save.

Sara: Do you think of me when you have sex with your wife?
Me: (without hesitation) No.
Sara: I do.
Me: (to myself) Shit!
Sara: I think of you every single time.
Me: (thinking fast - and this is true) That's because you can. You close your eyes, I don't.
Sara: That's true.
Me: So, I guess I've been disappointing you a lot? *grin*
Sara: (starts laughing so hard she can't answer)

That's about how the tone of our conversations have been. We're not afraid to get into those kinds of discussions (at least she's not) and yet we can laugh about it to keep things light. Although things feel a little different and more comfortable than usual, I know it's probably the result of her feeling a little more confused at exactly what she wants and doesn't want, and what she can and can't live with. Yesterday she had locked her email account, and regretted it hours later. So now she's back to our joint account - something she's not able to lock. In one of her frustrating moments she commented how she could be happy if I was there 100% of the time she is available. Which really is not much time. But she said she realizes that's not at all fair or practical to ask of me. Of course, that's exactly what I try to do anyway.

Glowing Review.

sigh.
haven't lost ur touch ;-)
once again..
i feel so limp.. mindless, though heavy with desire.
want it so badly, want you so badly.
that story will carry me for a little while.
can't describe it. it's almost like my mind has orgasmed.
my body hasn't, but there is a release...somehow, someway.
wish i could return the favor.

Sara called me this morning. I swear I did nothing to prompt her. Ok, maybe because 'I did nothing' is what prompted her. Most of our talk did deal with 'us'. She told me hours after riping up the phone numbers last time, she regreted it. But couldn't explain why she left anyway. (Remember, I called her the day after and she still said she needed to go away again). She said she's now questioning her faith, and is wondering if she really will regret not having and enjoying us when the few times will allow. At the end of our hour long talk, things started to get hot and heavy, she was in no position to continue on the phone, so she asked that I write her an erotic story about us. I got a glowing review. :)

Addiction

That word has been used a lot lately in comments to my posts. But there is no addiction here, at least not anymore. Its been a long while since things have been the way they were with the nonstop emails, the constant sexual tension, the stolen moments to talk with each other, the feeling of having a special little secret. All those things are what makes an affair so damn much fun. Its what gives us the extra spring in our step, and the 'out of the blue' shit-eating grins during the day. That was the addiction, but we're past that. Yes, it was very difficult to adjust to a normal life again. What did I ever do, before Sara, to fill so much time in the day? LOL. Do I crave to have that back again? Possibly. But more so now because it would be an indication that she's back. But that's not what's driving me. At least I don't think so.

Always the Bad Guy.

I've said this many times before. I accept the responsibility of being the bad guy if it helps alleviate some of her guilt. But I'm not the one causing her the actual grief and misery. I'm just the vehicle. She is extremely happy when we are 'together' - in whatever shape or form that takes. It's her inability to cope with the circumstances that surround us that dampens the spirit. The biggest being reminded of the fact that I don't come home to her everyday and I don't wake up to her every morning. And she reminds herself of that everyday that we talk. And as much as thoughts of me make her smile through the day, so do they remind her of what can't be. But these are feelings that I have to live with as well. And I've learned to cope with them. I just keep holding out the hope that she might find a way as well. I know that may never happen if I were to completely disappear. Call me selfish.

I agree with a previous commenter who said that if you measured love, you'd find yourself constantly testing that love. I believe more in reflections of what you do, and why you do it. So what's a reflection of my love for Sara? If she were to get caught, I wouldn't hesitate to make things right. No matter what that would entail. And my heart would be 100% behind it.

Those Ocassional Nudges

Kayten, in an earlier comment, talks about how she feels my nudges make Sara succumb to the pressure she faces, and fights, daily. I agree to a point, however my nudges only give her an excuse to do what she really wants to do. Maybe it reduces the guilt if she feels she isn't instigating it? For what its worth, my nudges are the result of my succumbing to the almost daily pressure of needing to contact her as well. So in that respect I guess I do control when those times occur.

At the risk of sounding extremely selfish, if I were to walk away from something that I don't want to leave, what's in it for me? After all, I'm only human. But give me a little credit for trying to alleviate the pressure from my end. If I were only considering my wants and my desires, there are probably a lot of things I could be doing, and saying, that would keep her around more often.

For what its worth, I had another perfect opportunity to nudge her. I was visiting a place she used to frequent often with her kids last year. It was very difficult being there knowing she could have been there at the same time if she had known. No, I don't feel good about resisting the urge to nudge her. I feel regret.

In My Defense.

VM left a comment that seems to echo most peoples sentiments and I'd like to try to shine a little more light on what I see was/is the common thread that has bound us together for almost 5 years. And I'll try not to oversimplify. Sara never made the conscience decision to have an affair. Including that very first day. So on those mornings when she'd wake up and realize her actions were indicative of one, she left me. No discussion, no goodbyes. Just left. Guilt was the driving factor for the most part.

I honestly didn't have a clue why she would come back, and how she resolved the guilt issue, but she did. Is has only been the past year of blogging and (more recently) her opening herself up totally to me that I came to a better understanding of what brings her back. Our relationship can be looked upon as very complicated involving many layers. Or... as I see it.... very simple with actual *gasp* love driving our needs/desires to be with each other.

It's possible her recent insistance on the 'all or nothing' approach is a way to resolve the guilt issue that has constantly plagued her. If I want her, she is now insisting that I make an honest woman of her. I do. Oh gawd how much I want to. But I can't.

Nastya

Although I haven't mentioned her in a long while, my sexy Russian friend is still around. We've become good friends, good enough that she has become comfortable sharing most everything with me. Good and bad. No, she hasn't changed her stance on (not) 'dating' married men, but she is very much into finding someone with whom she is interested in marrying. Her marriage to a Russian professor a few years back fell victim to competing careers, and although she doesn't regret the divorce, I feel she is hearing the clock tick. Several months ago she became romantically involved with a subordinate 12 years her junior. When that soured, so did her life. It was around this time that I had lost touch with her and only recently (couple months) remade the connection with her. Since then our friendship has grown and so has our honesty with each other. I recently told her of my (previous) hope that she be a diversion from Sara for me. And today at lunch she wants an explanation of how or why. I'm not sure what to tell her that doesn't suggest the need/desire to have sex. But recently she did mention that its the lack of sex that is partly driving her need to find somebody. Is this how friends become fuck buddies? The hope for that type of friendship has never really left my mind.

Yes, I still ache to see/hear/touch Sara. And as I say that my mind has already started formulating a 'plot' for my next attempt to make that happen. But the presence of Nastya does, and will, keep me from dwelling too long on that.

You'd Think I'd Learn.

A weekend a while back Sara was going back to her hometown to meet up with a friend and to hopefully meet up with other old friends at the usual old stomping grounds. Considering its a small town, the chances were pretty good that if her friends were still around, they'd still be hanging at the same places. As she was driving there she called me to tell me all about the outfit she had bought to wear when she goes out. Well, after telling her how turned on I had become just picturing her wearing it, I also suggested that it might not be the appropriate thing to wear - considering how small the town was. I said it sounded perfect to go clubbing in and around the bigger cities, but in a small corner bar it would definately give people an impression of her I'm sure she didn't want to give. I joked (but actually was serious) that jeans and a tight sweater was all she needed to have the guys drooling over her. When the conversation ended we both continued merrily on our seperate ways. So I thought. Three minutes later she called back and started screaming at me, crying, and screamed some more at me. She was unbelievably upset. My comment turned her fantastic, free from the kids, free from her husband, going to party with the girls kinda day and flushed it down the toilet. I had no intention of doing that, in fact I thought I was being helpful by telling her what I did. I know how subconscience she gets. It was obvious she had taken my suggestion as criticism and went off the deep end. Not only did I get a "fuck you" and a hang up, she called back once more to give me 3 more "fuck you's".

This was not the first, nor was it the last time I was misunderstood when making a comment. In each of these incidents hindsight taught me why there was a misunderstanding, yet armed with that knowledge, I still manage to invoke like situations. And as long as I care about somebody, that will remain an inevitability.

Oh, how did that previous incident end? That was the only outfit she brought along so she wound up stopping at a K-mart to buy jeans and a sweater. She apolgized to me later that night and told me even with that outfit, she still felt a little self-conscience. BTW, surprisingly it was her husband that picked out the first outfit for her to wear. What the f! was he thinking?