What Will It Take?

My anger has subsided, as usual, and is replaced with disappointment. Disappointment in her, and in myself for allowing her to escape once again. Just what will it take for me to finally let her go? I understand what 'us' is doing to her, and I understand why she has problems living with my suggested compromises. But that's the rub. I look at this as an unsolved problem. Like the prospect of peace in the Middle East, this relationship has everything stacked against it. But there is an equitable solution. Somewhere. Somehow. I really felt the vacation analogy would help her deal with the reality of it all. But what she doesn't want to believe is that one of the biggest parts in this reality is the slim to none chance that we will stop wanting each other. She refuses to address that issue. She hopes that 'want' will just go away. And I refuse to be the bad guy that makes that happen.

Although it appeared that I lured her into coming back this last time, as it turns out, she was already on her way back. If she had remembered the password, she would have been back before she even received my package. You would think she knew I would welcome her back with my arms wide open, yet she has said it's always a concern for her. She keeps thinking the last time will be when 'enough is enough' with me.

I wrote this post mainly to help myself answer this nagging question that's been running through my mind all week. "Why am I letting her leave again without more of a fight?" In the past it was because I wanted her 'experience' to be pleasant and free from pressure so that she would do it again more often. It couldn't have gotten any more pleasant and pressure-free than it was last week. Let's see if she comes back sooner. I hope so because its a whole 4 months before our 5th anniversary. I can't wait that long to have an excuse to be luring her back again.

Angry.

I'm really angry at her right now. Probably no different than any other time she's left, and it passes, but for some odd reason I'm questioning myself if I even have the right to be (angry). I look back at the last conversation we had where she had called me (last Thursday). Since my schedule was wide open, we were going to try to fit in some phone sex. She called that morning to tell me that her day wasn't looking so good and I told her we'd just play it by ear. Since I had nothing going on, I'd be available the moment she called if time did open up for her. No sweat. Up until this time, I was never expecting a call from her, yet that made 4 days in a row now. Well, of course, now I was expecting a call. And it never came. It would figure. By late Friday afternoon I was getting that gut feeling so I called her. Within seconds my fears were allayed since she was very happy to hear from me, and actually fell into her 'seductive' voice. But the feeling was temporary. She proceeded to tell me she had thrown away the numbers the day before (not very long after she got off the phone with me). That's when I knew my fears were correct. But the conversation was good because she was still all there, and when I got off the phone I was feeling good about things. Not happy she bailed again, but I was feeling good about our week.

The anger set in when I realized (yesterday) that our conversation on that Thursday was intended (by her) to be our last. Considering it was short and more a 'matter of fact' phone call, that sucks. Do I have a right to be angry?

It's Never Enough.

Last Friday I had asked Sara why she made such a big deal about the junk emails, the phone calls, and now her latest concern, snailmail. I was curious because it either occurs rarely, or not at all. Well as it turns out I've been looking at it all wrong. It's not the times that it's actually me. Its those times when it isn't me. Every junk email that wasn't from me. Every 'outsider' phone call that wasn't me. And now every package she gets that doesn't come from me - are the problem. Just like long ago when 30 emails a day wasn't 40, why every one phone call wasn't ten, and why our 4 hours in bed wasn't instead a lifetime. (Most of the blame fell on reality, not on me) It's just never enough. The real reason she closed out her joint email account was actually so that she could zero her expectations of ever getting an email from me. And she wishes she could do likewise with her phone, and her home address. She's not trying to hide from me, she's trying to rid herself of the expectations.

Needless to say that during this conversation didn't lead where I wanted it to lead. She told me she had thrown away the phone card numbers because she felt herself getting sucked back in. Calling me once a day (like she had the whole week) was leaving her feeling empty when we weren't talking. Actually she said it left her feeling miserable. It's never enough. She's gone again.

Double Standard?

Around me some women bloggers are getting their lovers back. There is an outpouring of support from their readers and most of them seem to be happy for them. Over here, nothing. Virtual silence.

I find that curious.

Spring Fever.

Obviously Sara's back in some way. This will be my 5th post in as many days. I think the previous 5 took a month to post. She called me today, looking for phone sex. Unfortunately for both of us, I was not in the position to comply to her request. She'll call me again tomorrow if/when she has the free time.

I did take the opportunity to run the 'vacation' analogy by her. She agreed that it better explains why I'm more okay with the part-time relationship than she has been. And said she'd like to get herself into the same frame of mind. But she did point out the obvious when she said that there are still other issues that would/will complicate that process. Wanting to change the subject, she then asked me to tell her about my day. And while doing so, unbeknownest to me at first, she proceeded to pleasure herself to the sound of my voice. It took every once of energy for me to maintain my composure as I walked back to a class I was attending.

Vacation

Sara surprised me with another call yesterday afternoon. Her intent was to run out the minutes of our phone card so she could rip up the numbers. She forgot it was refillable. lol. Even though it was a discussion about 'us' again, it was very light-hearted and filled with playful bickering as we tore into each others well-discussed stances on this issue. She has even come around to my way of thinking when it comes to leaving our marriages. Since I started to think seriously about it, and with my insistance that we discuss it further, she came to realize on her own that she could not possibly hurt her husband and kids. And she finally understands how I could love her as much as I say, but still choose my family over her. That's exactly the conclusion I knew she would come to from just such a discussion. But the outcome of our talk was still the same. Try as I might to come up with the perfect analogy, I couldn't convince her of how any good was going to come of a part-time relationship. She asked that I not take advantage of her new 'openness' by pressuring her. I told her it was during these times that I was most careful.

As I was replaying our discussion through my mind afterwards, I think I had come up with the analogy I was looking for. It involves vacation. Real life cannot be a constant vacation. Yet we all need one now and then. Call it a mental health break. We of course doubt how helpful vacations are when we find ourselves back at work, and not still on the beach somewhere. It seems a depression starts to set in, yet we get over it, and go back to our normal life. And then begin to look forward to that next vacation sometime. That's how I think Sara and I can help each other in our lives. We can be each other's vacation destination. The discussions we have before our get together is not unlike the planning of a vacation. Where to go, and more importantly, what to do - to each other. The excitement as that time draws near. Then the feeling of being a million miles away when we're together. As well as the realties of life just as far away. Then as we depart, the memories play in our mind as random smiles break across our faces. As reality slowly creeps back in, so does the depression. Not unlike the feeling you get when you are back at work. Why can't it always be like that? Why don't I change my situation so it always is like that? But you know the answer involves reality and you adjust back to it. But soon the anticipation of that next vacation begins to build. Could it be more perfect than that?

Is She Back?

I'm guessing people are assuming this is the case, or at least wondering. I'm doing neither. Not because I'm trying to protect myself from a big fall, but because I listened to her as we talked. We pretty much agreed that I understand her need to resist me, and she understands my need to keep her close. And that reason - for the both of us - is potential regret. For her the regret is that she hadn't tried hard enough to make her marriage satisfying for her. That my constant presence took all the necessary energy and incentive away from her. For me, the regret is not trying hard enough to see her at least one more time. And one more time after that. Mixed in with her regret though is the fear that she will instead lament losing me to somebody else. When she found the account locked last week, that's exactly what she thought happened.

Is she back? I don't think she has ever left.

It Worked.

Sara called me this morning to thank me for her gift. And my heart is still pounding. She received it on Saturday but had to hide it before she had a chance to open it. It worked perfectly. She caught all the hints and memories that I hide inside and it made her so excited the whole weekend, her husband even asked her what was up. We had a wonderful conversation, but she's still trying to stay strong. All her words told me she still wants me, wants us, even if its just part-time. But her resolve says otherwise. I asked her how 99% of her 'being' pulls her one way, yet the 1% keeps her on course. She points to her husband and said she would feel horrible if he were to be living a lie. I, of course, reminded her that he already is, and unless she can erase me from her mind totally, always will be.

Apparently she was waiting for me to call her all last week. When Friday came and went without a word from me, she was depressed and even broke down and tried to get into our old joint email account - hoping I left her a birthday wish there. When she couldn't get into that (she used the wrong password) it just made her more sad. So receiving the package on Saturday was perfect timing.

If you remember my last phone conversation with her, I tried to make sure that we kept the conversation lite and casual. I was hoping that the lack of pressure on my part might make it easier for her to talk more often. Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, it backfired. She said it took her almost 2 weeks to get over that call. Mainly because I sounded distant to her, and that it appeared that I was moving on. I told her I regretted that as well and promised myself I was not going to hide my feelings if there ever was going to be a next time.

I feel like today will carry me for forever. But I know it'll just be a matter of time where I begin to doubt her feelings for me again. How is that possible? Am I that insecure? But I do know, the desire to see her only grows stronger by day. And I need to see her. I want to see her.

And I told her so.

The Setup.

I apologize for not posting in awhile but I really don't have much to say. Although I'm doing great, I still have to be careful not to think too much about Sara. It's very easy for the good memories to head south into wondering how she can now stay away for so long. Its getting easier for me to doubt her love for me now. And it's easy for that to lead me into thinking of our bad times. So I try not to think too much at all.

It's her birthday in a few days and I've sent her something in the mail. I could never send her anything of value, especially when I'm cloaking it as a free gift from some random company. But I can send her a memory, and that is what I did. I'd like to be a fly on the wall when she opens it so that I can see her smile. That's all I need to continue on in a good place. But the big problem is, I won't be able to see that. I'll have to imagine it, and that's what is tough. And yes, as much as it wasn't my intention, I will begin to wonder why she hasn't called to at least thank me for the gift. Or in some way, send me that smile. I knowingly set myself up for this, and I'm preparing myself for a big crash. Any ideas on how I can inflate some emotional airbags?

Indicators

I'm sure everyone has indicators that are reflective of 'where' they're at when in or out of a relationship. Makes no difference if its a socially exceptable relationship, or one that's frowned upon, we all have them. Knowingly or unknowingly. I've mentioned a few times that one of my big indicators was how good things were with my wife and me. If Sara and I were good, things with my wife and me were good as well. It was as simple as - when I'm happy, so was everybody else. Another indicator I also have is not so simple to understand. For several years leading up to my first affair, I had become a talk radio person. For whatever reason, and I had a few, I had found myself hooked on it. But something happened when I started to think about that other woman. I started to dust off my heavy metal and big-hair band CD's. Metallica became my emotional fuel. Soon I was updating those collections, catching up on Nirvana, STP, Creed and discovering Godsmack, Linkin Park, Puddle of Mud and P.O.D. This continued on through all three affairs, with a peculiar twist during the last 4 years with Sara. When things were good with us, Metallica was cranking. When things weren't, you could find either Jimmy Buffett, Country, Jazz or Big Band music on my MP3 player. Now keep in mind, most of those previously mentioned bands played 'angry' or 'dark' music. Yet it was my music of choice when I was feeling most alive. Go figure. So what am I listening to now? Well, for the last couple weeks - talk radio. First time in 7 years. Have I now come full circle and find myself content with my previous life again? If so, I find that depressing.

Anonymous Comments

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