A Week

I'm realizing its been a week now since Sara has left me a voice message. And actually the days following our Saturday 'run in' were relatively quiet as well. Definately less than a handfull of messages. I know how busy she is, but I don't think it's asking too much of her time for her to leave a quick hello now and then. But I guess if she really wanted to, she would. And that's what has got me wondering where she is right now. Back to only checking for messages, but not leaving any is a pretty common thing for her to do when she steps away. Is she leaving again? The last conversation we had involved her telling me her plan to take her husband out for their anniversary. And this plan involved spending the night in my city and arranging to show up at my gig that night. So you can see why her silence leaves me so confused.

I'm looking forward to my lunch date with Nastya tomorrow (Friday). The last time I saw her was a few days before she left, which means it'll be 3 weeks since I last saw her. I had no idea its been that long. But I'm afraid she won't be as much a diversion as I had hoped since I'm still obviously more concerned with Sara right now. We'll see.

No Changes - yet.

Summer is in full swing at Sara's house. She's busy entertaining the kids, planning family outings, along with the other day to day chores of running a household. No time for much else, including me. But she makes the effort to keep in touch and that suffices with me - at least for now. Nastya is back from her two week trip abroad and now must deal with catching up, and finishing, some major projects. Not much time for me as well. But she has set up a tentative lunch date with me on Friday as an incentive for herself to get all that stuff completed.

That's all I got. I almost want to apologize for the slowdown in the drama of my affair. It's a much welcomed lull, an intermission, that was a long time in coming. But something will set it in motion again. Probably me. I'll get antsy with Sara and start to put pressure on her to get together. Or I'll take Nastya on as a challenge to see if she really doesn't 'date' married men. Yup. It'll probably be me that gets this drama in motion again. If not, there is one situation that is brewing that will put the both of them in the same room. At the same time. More on that as it develops

Contentment

I've used this word enough the past couple days so I'll try to discuss more about my feelings in regards to this emotion. I mentioned in the comments previously that contentment is not an indication of being satisfied. Contentment is a compromise to that. I've accepted my contentment long ago because I accepted the compromise that put me there. I think Sara feels, or felt, contentment and satisfaction are one in the same. But for the first time I'm hearing real contentment in her voice. She seems to be more happy with how things are with us now. Or probably more happy with herself and how she's handling how things are between us. And I think its because she's made honest attempts to live without us in the past. She might finally realize that 'some of us' is much better than 'none of us'. This does not mean that we've stopped longing for each other. That we've stopped aching whenever we remember how it feels when we're in each other's arms. It just means that we just look forward to those opportunities whenever they may arise. And we stop obsessing over the many opportunities that never presented themselves in the past. At least I hope that Sara has come around to feeling that way. Only time will tell.

Completely Here

Yup, still smiling. Just had a nice long telephone conversation with Sara and she is still completely here. I feel she's taking a break from the moral battle she engages with herself because I can sense the relief in her voice while we talk. But I know it's only temporary. I've learned over time that the things that make me feel happy and content with us is exactly what causes her heartache. And this is putting aside any guilt or morality issues. And I think because she knows I feel this way with only so little to go on, that makes things worse. But she knows I take what I can get, and she's an all or nothing kind of person. It's a continual compromise for both of us. Unfortunately, in our attempts to find a day, we've realized that there is no opportunity in the very near future (next two weeks) for us to get together. That disappoints and saddens both of us.

Unanswered

I'm reading back in my posts and comments to see what unfinished thoughts are still open. But the only thing I've found has to do with the 'territories' thing and that's a can of worms that I prefer not to open. So..... I'd like to open things up to any questions that you might have. A question of curiosity, or maybe a question to clarify something. Any question as long as it doesn't threaten my anonymity.

I did get a moment-by-moment account from Sara's playtime with her toys (and my cum) when she got back home. I can only comment that she is one sexy, erotic and very creative lady. We're desperately looking for an opportunity to get together for a much longer - and much needed - erotic encounter. But what's pushing that desperation is an even greater desire to make love to each other first.

Questions?

Nagging Questions

Guess I got some nagging questions that need to be answered. The biggie is the one about why we don't dump our spouses and get a life of our own together. As hypocritical as it may sound - and not speaking for Sara - I'm just not that kind of guy. Divorce does not run in my circle of family and friends. Its still hugely taboo and a decision that should be based 99% on the effect it will have on the kids. And I just don't have the heart to disrupt the life that my wife and kids enjoy. Obviously I do put that at risk by having this affair, and therein lies my defect. And I am pretty certain Sara feels the same way. But she also is not blind to the possibility that if I've cheated on my wife, that I might also eventually cheat on her. Probably not a deep down belief, but convincing enough to justify her reluctance.

I am also now certain that I'm still number one in her heart and soul. That's all I could hope for. In her life of priorities I'm down about 6, behind her husband and 4 kids. That's understandable, acceptable and expectable. I did not ask her to keep her husband out of my 'territory'. Doing so would be acting on a jealousy. I recognized that and dropped it. But here is where many times we have been in sync with each other. She commented on that - on her own - by telling me how she didn't enjoy it and that all she could think of was me. She also apologized for even saying anything about it and wasn't sure why she did. I did respond to her by telling her about my feelings and she totally understood why I would feel that way. And agreed that she'd feel the exact same way if the tables were turned.

Emotions just in themselves, whether good or bad ones, are very complex. But what each have in common is an obvious cause and affect. The trick is how to handle the affect without creating more causes that will once again create an affect. A vicious circle. But one that becomes exponentially more complex if you look for hidden and possibly non-existant meaning in each one. Keep it simple. And folks, what Sara and I have is a simple case of two people who think and feel they've fell in love with each other. And the obvious emotions that occur while we look for a way to deal with it. Yes, I do see us still struggling with this as we enter into our 70's and beyond. That's the punishment we must endure for the wrong we are doing. And I'm still smiling.

Still Smiling

Per her instructions I looked around for the bedding department. Not the easiest thing to find in this huge mega-mart. But there it was - and so was she. I froze completely when I saw her. She was dressed to kill, tight ribbed pink top, short jean shorts, and heels. I couldn't even remember the last time I had last seen her, but I do remember the ton of bricks that hit me the first night I saw her 4 years ago. And that same ton of bricks was raining down on me again. As I walked up to her she instantly disappeared into my arms as I held her tight against me. Her hair smelled wonderful. I could feel her pull herself even tighter up against me as I tried not to squeeze her too tight. I'm not sure how long we held each other, but she finally looked up at me, tears starting to form in her eyes as her lips invited me to kiss them. I did. Very softly. "We don't have much time" she whispers as she pulls away, taking my hand and leading me to the back of the store. "Wait here". I watch her open the door to the restroom to check if anybody is in there. She motions for me to follow her and once inside she turns to lock the door. Instantly we're in each others arms kissing very passionately now. Very deep and purposeful kisses. She reaches down to pull off her shorts as I feel her step out of them. She pulls away and turning around she bends over, grabbing her ankles as she keeps her long legs straight and spread. Looking thru her legs she watches as I pull down my pants, a smile crosses her face as she see's the effect she has had on my cock by now. "Quickly" she says as the head of my cock is now finding its way into her absolutely soaked pussy. Per her instructions I thrust it in and by the second thrust I'm balls deep into her. It takes perfect control to ram her hard and deep without sending us both falling to the floor. My hands are around her waist, I'm arched over her back as my fingers search for her clit, my cock continuing to drive even deeper into her. I wanted this to last forever, but by now it was too late. I could feel the swelling inside of me as my balls were ready to unleash every drop of cum into her. I moaned loudly as she felt the spasms in my cock, and she could feel the hot cum shooting into her. I kept pumping her until I was exhausted and she stood back up. With my cock still in her I now massaged her breasts as I kissed her neck. "You need to get back" she says as she pulls away and squats down in front of me. She takes me into her mouth and sucks the last remaining streams of cum from me as she's reaching for her purse. She pulls out a tube of lipstick and applies it to her lips, then begins to kiss me all along my shaft, leaving a trail of lipstick behind. She finishes with a big kiss on the head of my cock before reaching into her purse again. Now I'm a little embarassed as she pulls out a pair of panties and a feminine pad. As she sees the look on my face she says "I don't want to lose a drop. You're my lube for my toys when I get home." She pushes me towards the door but not before I wrap her in my arms once more. We kiss, longing in each others eyes, and then seperate.

Yep. That was Sara and me. I was passing through her city this past Saturday and left her a voicemail telling her when I'd be coming through. I had a friend with me who doesn't know about us so I realized the best we could do was 'run into' each other somehow. She left me a message of where and when to meet. Little did I know of what she had in mind. Fortunately my friend was busy MILF-watching from inside my truck and didn't notice how long I was gone. I don't think the smile has left my face yet.

In Response

**Update below**

From all (or almost all) the comments and emails I've received, its pretty much decided I'm way out of line to ask Sara to refrain from venturing into our territory with her husband. But you missed something. You missed the real catalyst that drove my concerns. I was mistaken when I said that Kayten didn't have all the information she needs to come to her conclusions. It is all there. If you notice, there is a common thread or theme that runs through most of my posts. And its this: I know how Sara feels about us, and things pertaining to us. But I'm always looking for those things to reinforce what I'm thinking. Looking from her perspective, I always seem to be right about what drives her hurt, her anger, and her overall feelings about me/us. So I must obviously know that I'm still number one on her list as well. But I'm only human and I will always have periods of doubt. And when she tells me "I know you don't really want to hear this but..." and continues to tell me anyway, I become filled with doubt about us. So my desire to ask her to not go there with him was just a knee-jerk reaction to the jealousy I felt. He has almost every other aspect of her life in his hands, and I'm just asking that the one's remaining be left to me. It's that simple. Nothing manipulative or controlling about that at all.

Almost from the beginning, Sara had asked not to know about such things. And even had a real problem if I ever mentioned that the wife and I went out to dinner. I came to understand and respect her request. I had zero problems with it. But she also had a problem that I didn't mind hearing those things from her. She felt if such information didn't make me feel jealous, I must not really feel the things for her that I claim to feel. I explained - back then - that she leaves no doubt in mind how she feels about me and that is why I'm secure in hearing those things. Then the lightbulb went on and I realized I must not have been doing a very good job of leaving no doubt in her mind about my feelings for her. I choose to change that and feel I've been doing a good job ever since. Unfortunately she doesn't realize that a lot of things she has said to me since then has had the affect of leaving doubt in mind. She needs to fix that. Would that be asking too much?

**Updated. I realized that I forgot to address the issue of 'territories' and whether its right or wrong to ask Sara not to allow his intrusion into mine. I feel that is still an issue worth discussing, but my train of thought got sidetracked. I'll try to address that specifically in another post, but I'm very busy right now. I'll have something by Monday.

Drawing the Line

Sara is still checking in when she can. Sometimes not till almost midnight. But because of some concerns she is having with her computer, its been strictly voicemail. Which is fine with me. I love hearing her voice. But one voicemail she left me is continuing to bug the shit out of me and I'm finally figuring out why. For some reason she felt the need to let me know that her husband and her have ventured into the new territory of anal sex. And that upsets me. A lot. He has ventured into 'our' territory and she allowed it. For those of you who know and understand what we do, and what makes it so awesome, might also understand why I'm upset. For those who don't understand, let me try to explain. The things Sara and I get into are heightened because of a trust we have with each other to do things that we'd never allow others to do. There is something about the bond that is created from that which makes everything we do so damn awesome. Yes, I'll admit it. I do take a dildo up the ass for her just for that reason. I see in her what my trust in her creates. Do I get off on that dildo in my ass? Not at all. Do I get off on her doing it? Yes. Its an amazing bond one creates with their lover when this can occur. I hope this makes sense.

Here's a question. Would I be out of line to ask her not to allow that anymore? I know she doesn't realize what she's done. But if I were to annouce to Sara that my wife and I played some tie-up games the other last night, I think she will feel differently. So, should I make this an issue? Is it okay to ask her to draw a line in regards to her husband?

Jumped the Gun.

Hey. When you're gun-shy, it happens. She checked in Friday evening, fully expecting to get her ass reamed. LOL. She pretty much accounted for every busy minute since the last time we talked. (Which I don't ever expect her to do). And with her husband home all the time, and his office right next to the 'public' computer, she just couldn't get online with any privacy. It appears that he is giving it a go on starting his own business, so this will probably be a constant problem. At least in the near future. But that will also include occasional business out of town as well. The more often, the better. Obviously.

Nastya had invited me out to lunch last Friday and it was very enjoyable. We talked about many things, but the topic of sex never did work its way into the conversation. I'm still trying to figure out if her 'intimacy' with me is just how she is with people, friends, or that's her nature in general. Hard to explain just what I mean - her warmth invites you in. I guess it's also possible that what I feel is us 'clicking' together. Either way, I'm going to miss her while she heads off to Greece for about 10 days on business - and a little pleasure. She left yesterday.

Gone Again.

I hate to be jumping the gun a little bit here, but I'm pretty sure Sara has left again. Unbelievable. I can only think she let herself get too close. My last conversation with her was on the phone on Tuesday night. We had talked for a little while on a phonecard before it ran out. I drove around looking to buy a new one, but it seems the system that loads them with minutes was down. So I called her on my cellphone. A no-no for us. From what I remember, here was our last exchange of words.

Me: I miss you.
Her: *sigh* This is why I hate to talk to you on the phone.
Me: (thinking - ok, now what.)
Her: My panties always get soaked.
Me: Whats wrong with that?
Her: It's uncomfortable.
Me: *laughing*
Her: You have no idea how many times I had to change my panties just so my husband didn't notice how wet they are. Then I have no way of truly being satisfied from the urges you start in me.
Me: Well, you know I want to arrange for that to happen.
Her: I know. I know. How are you calling me?
Me: On my cellphone.
Her: *gasp* So now my number will be on your bill.
Me: Yes, but as long as we keep this short, it won't be noticed.
Her: Ok, then lets keep it short.
Me: I'll have a new phonecard by tomorrow, let me know when is a good time to call.
Her: Ok. Talk later

Guess it'll be much much later. It always seems to happen. Whenever I get that very warm comfortable feeling about us, she must get it as well. Only difference is that I'm ready to jump into the fire again, and she feels the need to run away from it. That's the story of us in a nutshell.

Nastya and I have come to a little better understanding of where our relationship is going. Because she has been married twice now - first husband was killed in the war, her second husband she classifies as pathetic - she does not have any plans to get married ever again. And to keep that from happening, she does not date anymore as well. And definately does not date married men. But I did find this comment she made to me to be very interesting. "Our friendship was set a while ago by me - you just didn't know that." She has asked me out to lunch today. With her being dateless for two years now, my mind just begs to ask the question about sex. Has she given that up as well? I'll let you know.

Good Place

Things have been fantastic with Sara. She's really opened up to me and has let me inside as a way of apologizing for comments she's made in the past. She's in awe of my undying patience for her but I had to confess that it was my stubborness that took over when my patience could go no further. Our four year anniversary is coming up and she is making plans to attend the same gig we had met at those years ago. But those plans involve her wild girlfriends, who know nothing about us, and that's the way Sara wants to keep it. Of course, making rendezvous very difficult. But that's two months from now so I'm sure not all will remain well between now and then. Yes, I'm still a little gun-shy. Can you blame me?

Of course, things with Nastya are progressing as well. I plan on slowing things way down, but not so much that she feels that I'm losing interest in her. Fortunately she will be going out of the country for 10 days in the very near future. And that's another reason not to get too involved right now. Now, this might sound conceded, but I don't want her to ruin her work/vacation by spending all that time thinking of me. Ouch. That's not how I wanted it to sound, but here's my explanation. Less than a month after Sara and I had met, she went on a cruise with her husband. She spent the whole cruise emailing me, thinking about me, and even at one point contemplating running away and asking me to come get her. In the Carribbean! Although I know she wasn't really serious, the point is, she spent the entire cruise wanting to be back home and talking with me. I really don't think Nastya and I are near that point, but its something I should at least consider. So no sex talk until after she gets back. :)

Oh, I should add though that her husband had a great time on that cruise. Sara has never went wild on her husband, but did so, so she could tell me juicy stories. He most definately had an awesome time, and it was just that reason that I justified to myself and Sara why an affair was a good thing.

Lunch

*Updated below

Had lunch with Nastya last Friday. It went as well as could be expected, considering we both avoided talking about our current relationships. But she didn't wear a wedding ring, and I did, so maybe eventually we'll get to talking about those things. Thanks to the blogs I read, and personal insight I've received into some of your lives, I now find myself asking the question "What do I want out of this?" Just a few months ago I would never have dreamed of asking myself such a question. I'm a bloke for gawd's sake, we're not built to do such things. But that's a what-if type question for now, and we're not quite there yet. But I do find her extremely attractive, and I can't get the image of her thick, full lips out of my head. That is by far her most striking feature, followed very closely by her even thicker Russian accent.

Things with Sara are good. Pretty much like the last time she came back. We're catching up on things, and I'm able to read the excitement as well as the disappointment in her emails. The one thing that is different is that she isn't hestitating to express her true emotions for me. Which previously had become a taboo subject. Nothing elaborate, just a two or five word comment here and there. But what is very obvious is her reluctance to bite on anything erotic I throw out there. A few innuendo's as well as one very blatant reference to anything sexual is being politely ignored for the most part. I feel this is where she feels the need to be strongest. It's her achilles heel.

*Update - It was pointed out to me that Nastya is the one that has to decide what she wants, since she is not the married one. Phshew! That was close. Didn't think I was up for the task of answering that anyway.

Would Figure

Sara is back and completely without walls - for the moment. Go figure. You think she's got a sixth sense about me? Apparently the bitch comment I made two weeks ago was the absolute final last straw. So she thought. Well, rather than summarize, here are her words:

not really sure what's up...why I'm here. the 'u are such a bitch' comment when I was completely panicked...thought it was the last straw for me. there's been many, many last straws for me. But for some unknown reason more straws keep popping up. Okay. So I guess you want to hear about u, u, u & u. Yes I think about you every day. Yes sometimes it's good but sometimes it's bad :-) lol ..and sometimes I just don't know what it is. i wonder if i ever will truly get over you. i feel that i'm on the way...the road to recovery...so why turn back. i struggle with it alot. guess u've noticed.

Aside from expressing a desire to see me soon, that's all she wrote about us. The rest of her emails were about her and what's going on in her life. I like reading all that. So, do I put Nastya on hold for now? I'm thinking not. Sara will obviously disappear again very soon. Remember, she's on the road to recovery. I guess, so am I.

Nastya

A beautiful, young, auburn haired Russian woman has interrupted my life. It just goes to show that if you want something to happen, don't go looking for it. But maybe subconsciensously, I have been wishing for it. If anybody can get my mind off of Sara, it would be her. It started with the usual flirting eye contact, but she progressed it quickly by eventually approaching me and striking up a conversation. Either today or tomorrow we will be going to lunch. I do know she has a daughter, but as of yet, I don't know anything more of her situation. But she moves quickly, and I've done nothing to slow things down either. But lets not get into how very wrong this will be. At least, not yet. I'll have time to lament if this progresses much further and I'm actually 'doing' something that requires lament. Of course I could also steer clear of this and get back to obsessing about Sara. Just which is more plausible? Flame away if you must.

BTW: There is an off chance that I might eventually direct her to a few of my favorite blogs just so she is very aware of what she might be getting into. If so, I'll have to delete any entries I've made that refers to her because of the good possiblity she'll find this one.