The Ultimatum.

Sara's finally done it. Actually its not an ultimatum since she hasn't threatened with any consequential actions, but its pretty clear to me what she's asking.

I can't function in "my world". So unless you plan on getting the balls to make it permanent then lock the account..(snip)..If you can't make me yours forever, then you owe it to me to let me go.

This is the first time I feel the pressure of actually having to make that decision. I've avoided it for so long because I would head it off at the pass by sticking to my statement that I could never disrupt the world my wife and kids enjoy. Pretty much like being asked what you'd do for a million dollars. Your answer would be alot different if you actually were handed that million dollars first. Reality must set in before you can truthfully answer any question.

If You Love Her.

'If you love her you have to let her go' just doesn't apply here. Other than an emotional tie, I don't have her tied down. (Not that I don't want to. LOL) I've never stopped her from leaving. And I've never begged her to come back. What more can be expected from me? I'm neither an optimist nor a pessimist. I'm a realist, and nobody knows me better than - me. I always suspected that the best chance (for me at least) of us seperating was to do so after 'one last time'. I had proved myself correct twice now. All ties were severed yet she still found her way back to me. Well to be totally factual, the first time, we were back together already on our cell phones on our car rides home. So, I didn't even have time to sever ties. But I was in the right place then, just as I was this last time. However, I'm not in that place anymore (for reasons I had not shared with you). And being realistic and totally honest with myself and with her, I cannot make the same promises I've made to her the last time it was our 'last time'.

Yes, I do understand the possibility that a last time has the opposite affect on Sara. And it's her choice if there isn't one. But considering she's taken that choice (no last time) many, many times already with no success, I'm not sure why she still believes that.

Try Again.

Things have been ok since Sara got back from her mini-vacation. I was expecting her to be distant, and to want to cancel our getting together. So I left her an email telling her it was ok to stay away for awhile and ride out the 'family high' she was probably going to be on. I was right on all counts, but I was careful to keep my distance, yet be there for her. Then I received email from her:

we've made it this far and we've both walked away feeling sad, but good. (after disconnecting voicemail) the next and final step is to change email psswd. it's time. The three week window showed us both that our marriages (or at least mine..i know you can go both ways) can be awesome if we (I) give it 100% effort. Please think about it. I can't explain it. But knowing it's here, it's hard not to look. The phone thing was a huge step for me. Now I am ready for the next one.

She plans on walking away again and is asking that I do away with one more thing that has kept her coming back. Honestly, I know I can only do that for her if we see each other one more time. But its my guess she won't agree to meeting up because it would have the opposite affect for her. But I asked anyway, reminding her we were almost there after the last time. Her response:

keeps getting less & less possible. you know money is tight...tons of things going on with kid's school that i'm hiring sitter two or more times a week. running out of excuses. plus husband is definitely paying more attention. i know you can do it without that one last time. question is will you. i can only ask.

Guess the one comment that stands out more than anything is "i know you can do it without that one last time." Does she really believe that? Even in our last conversation she said she still doesn't believe it upsets me when she tells me about her 'wifely duties' with husband. (I know it happens, I just keep telling her I don't want to know 'when' it happens). So, is this a true belief of hers, or is she being condenscending towards me? I don't know how I'm going to respond. Not that that matters anyway.

Answers to Questions

These were questions asked by a reader that I felt others may also share so I'm posting the answers for all to see.

-Do you enjoy the lies, deceit and manipulations?
Tough one to answer since there really is none of that going on. I've never had to lie, deceive, or manipulate neither my wife, nor Sara. Its arguable that some of my emotional responses to things Sara had done or said could be interpreted as manipulative, but they were just that, an emotional response.

-Do you enjoy the thrill of the affair?
Yes.

-Why do you need her to explain why she needs to "leave" (note: she isn't with you, so she really isn't leaving you) as opposed to just accepting her decision?
I don't know why I need to know, but I've realized that when I do know, I find it easier to keep my distance thus possibly facilitating a successful end to the affair. Hasn't worked yet, but the chances are greatly improved. And yes, she would be leaving me. She owns a huge part of my heart. It would go with her if she were to disappear.

-Why do you continue on in an affair that is something that seems awfully destructive to Sara?
Because I'm still nuts about her. I guess I foolishly believe that we can remain a big part of each others lives without disrupting the rest of our lives. I'm successful at it, and I have hopes Sara will eventually find that compromise as well.

She Left

No, not gone again. She left Wednesday evening on a long weekend vacation with her family. But before she left she had become desperate. Desperate to orgasm. She had been extremely horny for about a week now. She said she refused to look to me for relief and tried everything and anything to get her there (orgasm). But the more porn she surfed for, and the more times she tried to let her husband get her there, the more frustrated she got. I got a desperation call about noon on Wednesday telling me to call her in twenty minutes. She was going to put the girls down for a nap. Then she was going to grab her dildo, and i quote, "and find something for my ass". Talk about performance anxiety. During phone sex! I had to get her off, orgasm, with just my words. Not that it hasn't happened times before, but this was the first time it was expected. So, not having any confidence in myself, I started surfing pornsites for ideas. Did come across a few good ones before it was time to make the phone call. We talked for about 5 minutes about stuff before I noticed her voice kept trailing off. She had already started! And when I asked her why she didn't tell me, she said my voice was all she needed. Yeah right. Well, I couldn't trust that so I started up on my end. Within a minute she was orgasming, or so she led me to believe, and not long after, while helping me finish, she orgasmed again. At this point she said "I want it all next Thursday".

"Ok."

Wide Open

I'm not sure what happened before, but she is back for now. Exchanged several emails yesterday. And she surprised me with a phone call this morning - which we had another wonderful conversation. Although I didn't specifically ask her where her email from Monday morning came from, Sara did try to explain why she acts differently with her husband and children when I'm 'around'. And she told me something that will undoubtably stick with me forever. She said there is never a time when her mind and body are more connected than when I'm around. Actually she said they are never connected, except with me. That means a lot to me. And it helps me understand why this is so difficult for her. She really has come a long way. By opening herself up to me, and not supressing her feelings, might just go a long way in us finally doing the right thing. At the least it should remove the drama.

And............

....she's back! Well, at least she was a couple times last night. Just told me about her day and other miscellaneous type things. Almost like she forgot she was leaving. A fellow blogger left a comment earlier calling Sara an 'emotional punching bag'. That was a surprise for me to read because if anyone is that punching bag, its me. I sure hope I haven't given the rest of you that impression of her. If anything, she does beat up on herself, emotionally, more often than she should. But she is in total control of how she is treated by her 'men'. She had no problems with his request for the dna testing. Probably due to guilt on her part, and the knowledge that they all were definately his kids. To protest would be to appear guilty.

Aspect

There is an aspect to our relationship that I probably haven't mentioned for a long time. And it goes a long way to understanding why I let her come and go so often without getting fed up with it. From almost the very beginning, it was important for both of us that she never feels trapped. She has to know she can go whenever she feels the need, and I must let her go. The problem has always been that she left without an honest explanation. I've told her as long as I know why she needs to leave, I can keep my distant. Our ordeals in the past stem from her disappearing and leaving my in the dark. It has only been recently that she clues me in. That's the corner we've turned that I speak of. And as long as she knows she can leave, she won't hesitate to come back again.

You Knew.

You knew it was coming eventually. Yup. Gone again. We had a wonderful weekend, I was out of town and so was her husband. Lots of phone and textmessaging. We even talked about our relationship and why its so hard for her. This is the kind of honesty I rarely get from Sara. I felt we turned a new corner. I left her this email this morning:

i wanna be with you all the time. every place i go i put us there. i realize these are just words and i don't have the balls to turn it into reality and it probably just makes things harder when i say these things. but - i just need you to know.

I got this in return:

not emotionally ready for anything. there's such turmoil inside of me. I turn into a different person around husband & kids. Don't like that person. Liked the way I felt & acted the 3 weeks (or whatever it was) that I was gone. I hope you understand. You know how I feel about you...it just doesn't mix with my life I have right now. This should be easier for you...leaving on good terms. You know I need that fight in me to stay away, so it will be harder on me.
I'm so sorry. I don't mean to cause an emotional roller coaster for you. But I can't cause that same roller coaster for my family which is what happens everytime we make contact again. You and I both know I'll probably be back. But I at least have to keep trying.

And that is an inevitability. She will keep trying. Of course I was sad when I read this, but then again, in the past she never would let me inside her head/heart during these times. She does now. Yes, we've turned a corner, just not the one I keep hoping for.

On The Phone

Sara called me today. A wonderful hour long conversation about everything. Walls down, but still on the cautious side. Yes, she does believe the reason she keeps coming back is to hear how much I still love her. And she said she can never hear that enough times. We talked about the highs and lows of our relationship, and she took full blame for most of our lows. And that her battle with guilt had alot to do with that. A little more than a week ago she was in a major car accident, but escaped without injury. She said it woke her up the appreciation of what she has now. And that even included me. Immediately after the accident, her first response was to call me, but didn't. Later she was glad she didn't have to worry about deleting my number off her cellphone and worrying about it showing up on the her bill. Yet another battle with her guilt. After passing on my request to call me yesterday, she decided to do so on her own today. And now I'm sure she's battling guilt again - but probably with a huge smile on her face. Of course, not as big as the smile I still have etched in my face.

I don't expect her to stay around long, but I'm certain she likes it here right now, and wants to appreciate it awhile longer.

Why?

I'm pretty sure I know why she's here. I'm just not sure why she doesn't open up more. She says all is well at home. Everybody's attitudes have changed (for the better I assume) including hers. As she puts it:
"I'm dealing without the highs. I'm fine with it, because with every high there are lows. And they were getting pretty low."
I was actually surprised to read this. I didn't expect that kind of honesty. Not since everything else she's wrote appears to be so distant. Yesterday I asked her to call me when she got the chance. Her reply:
"Thank you. (Sincerely) But I think I'll pass".
Today she tells me it took her 3 or 4 attempts to write that email. She was concerned how I would take it. I told her I would hope one of those ways would come from her heart.

So why is she here? I think its because she needs to be reassured I'm still here and have all the same emotions for her. That I still love her. That I still want her. But she wants to keep her distance. That's why she won't share the same emotions. I'm guessing she feels hearing my voice will crumble her wall. But I would bet anything that if I were to pick a time and place - she'd be there. But if I were to let my insecurities out, I would wonder if she's just not here to reassure herself that she can move on without me. That I've lost the ability to tear down her wall. Unfortunately for her, I see that as a challenge.

A Visit.

Sara came back today. Probably just a visit, only time will tell. One of the things she needed to tell me involved her husband and DNA. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned this, but he has hounded her for years to get DNA testing on the kids to verify that they are indeed his kids as well. Yeah, that's just the perfect solution to working out the kinks of a marriage. Words can't begin to describe how I feel about that. Totally incomprehensible. But she finally went and did it. Of course I can only imagine how he felt when he heard the good news. But I hope he felt horrible. I hope he realized how only a pathetic, self-centered bastard would ask for such a test from his wife. But maybe now he'll start treating them like the children he should have been loving since the day they were born.

This Sucks

Not a peep in well over 30 days. I'm slipping away from the good place I was at, and was hoping to remain. Yes, I know she has been trying for 4 years to find the strength to do what's right. Yes, I know this is probably much harder on her. Yes, I know it has nothing to do with the level of love she probably still has for me. Yes, I know she would drop her present life for a future with me if I just asked. But I won't so - Yes, I know it couldn't have gone on forever. Wait. Yes, I did. Or rather in some unexplainable way it would last forever. I seem to have a problem placing her as part of my past. I always saw her in my future. Somehow. Someway. Someday.

The last time we talked, religion, or rather her religious beliefs, was the focus of our discussion. She sincerely believes her loved ones, specifically her husband and children, will bare the weight of her punishment. If her husband loses that 3.5 million dollar contract - its because of her. If her son is doing poorly in school - its because of her. If one of her children gets seriously ill - its because of her. I listened. I knew better than to discuss someones beliefs. But I almost bit my tongue off in doing so. I only tried to assure her that I wasn't the devil.

4 Weeks.

I had no idea its been almost 2 weeks since I last left a post. Obviously I've been extremely busy, but had no idea how busy. Well, today will be 4 weeks since I last talked with Sara. I have to admit that I don't think as much about her anymore. That's due in part to being so busy, but also from re-discovering the life I had before she came around. But when I do think about her, I get more emotional now inside. My longing for her is much stronger than ever. Overall I'm still in a good place with her, but its not the perfect place I'd hope to be. Just writing this post is bringing back a huge wave of emotions - mostly good, but some bad. But if I were asked today which I'd rather have - the stability of things as they are now, or the instability of things as they were with Sara - I'd say its a toss up at this point.