Be Careful For What You Ask For

You just might get it. Truth be told I was a little concerned about how well Sara reacted to my decision to take a break. In the past she has never liked when I made such decisions. Even though she knew I would suggest this for her benefit, she still would be upset by it - thinking I have started to grow tired of her. But this time my intention was to preempt the inevitable. Take a break when we're at a high so that she looks forward to more. What I had hoped to do was put myself in the position of deciding when to start back up again. That way I'm not wondering when, or even if, she'll come back. But she has not checked in since last Thursday and I now feel myself right back into that position of wondering - will she be back? Go figure. But I am in a good place, and will even go as far as to say that it's okay if she's gone for awhile. But it's unrealistic to think that I'll remain in that good place too much longer.

To Love or to be In Love

I commented on a post over at "goodgirlbadplace" about the difference between loving somebody and being in love with them. What I said (verbatim) was:

Until I met Sara, I didn't have a clue that there was even a difference between loving, and being 'in love'. But Sara sure did. Even though she knew I loved her, and I had told her many times, it wasn't until I uttered the words "in love" with her that caused her to totally commit herself to me. That really surprised me, but then a lightbulb went on, and I realized what that difference was.

So how does one know when they are 'in love' with somebody? I'm sure its different with everybody, but for me it was when I finally understood why people wrote poetry. And why love songs were written. And when my heart ached even more for Sara the more deeply I fell in love with her, I realized that was the final indicator for me. Yes, for me, my heart aches when I love her, and it also aches when I'm hurt by her. Needless to say, it aches most of the time. For Sara, she has confessed to me that her heart aches more when she loves me, then when I've hurt her. I'm not sure how that's possible, but that might explain why she tries to walk away so many times.

All's Well

She checked in last night. Didn't lock the account. And even sent a reply to an un-related question I had. So she seems cool with the break. I'm not sure how long I'll stay away. Probably determine that with the frequency she checks for email. Looking back at the email I left her, I'm thinking she might get the wrong message from it. As much as I miss her passionate side, I hope she doesn't conclude that that's the only side I want from her. As my previous post stated, its a crucial part, but so is the day to day banter. And for that reason I feel I need to make that clear to her somehow. But I'm not sure how. Since she seems to be checking voicemail again, I'll probably just leave it there.

Time For A Break

**UPDATED**
As much as I enjoyed the past several days chatting with Sara - there was something missing. We never seemed to get past the chit-chat of our daily lives, and any attempts to awaken her passionate side was to no avail. I got minimal response(comments) to my assignments, and yesterdays poem was completely ignored. This is a crucial part of the relationship, and it was missing. But it's definately not been the first time so its no big deal. Usually, in the past, I'll start a pissing match just to get some kind of passion to the forefront. Mind you, it's not as exhilarating, but it does add some excitement. This time I'm just going to step back for several days. As much as I feel bad leaving her at a time when she wants to chat about so many things, I'm not going to wait around for her to leave again. But here is the email I sent her, I'm sure she won't be hurt by my decision and should completely understand.

Seems like we're caught up for now. and i'm failing miserably trying awaken that awesome passionate side of you - so - this is a good time for a break. but in the meantime, if it awakens in you, the offer still stands to make an appointment. enjoy your weekend.

If you don't know what I mean by an 'appointment', go "here".

**Note Added Later**
I guess I should mention that she may have already beat me to the punch. As I discussed about expectations a couple days ago, Sara expects me to check in enough to answer her emails when she writes. Her thinking is that something (or somebody) most be more important to me if I don't take the time to respond. With that said, she had two emails waiting for me, and had checked in twice, late last night and early this morning, without seeing a reply from me. That's the last time she checked in. Early this morning. I know for a fact that she has nothing planned for the day and was going to just hang around the house. She just may have beat me to the punch.

Work

you glance at me
sweat beads on my forehead
i work it back and forth
muscles ripple the harder i push
side to side
back and forth
your fingers play your nub
dipping into your vault
as it drips
nipple pinched and pulled
eyes never leaving me
i glance up at you
you quickly look away embarassed
i continue my work
back and forth
side to side
heading for your backyard
shirt soaked in sweat i stop to peel it off
you watch chest muscles ripple as i glance at you
you quickly turn around
embarassed again
drips are now a stream
fingers deep inside
you imagine
i push hard
back and forth
side to side
behind you.
moments later
on your knees
fingers incredibly deep
euphoria overtakes
explode
explode again
and again
orgasm after orgasm
you collapse
you sleep
you sleep
you sleep
awaken to knocks on your backdoor
naked, you answer
"finished with your grass, ma'm"
"anything else i can help you with?"
you smile
you take my hand
you mumble
"i've got a tree to water"

In A Good Place

Judging from our exchange of emails late into the evening yesterday - Sara is totally here right now. At least as of last night. She could wake up this morning and hug herself with the warm feelings we have for each other, or she could wake up and realize she's messed up and has allowed herself to fall back into my arms again. Only time will tell.

It doesn't look like this weekend will be such a good idea. Sara has come to realize her oldest girl is now a sponge and soaks up everything now. And is now asking many questions. One of those questions very well could be "Who's that man you were kissing, mommy?" Of course what she wasn't old enough to remember is that time when I met up with Sara as we crossed paths one day, and we wound up fucking like wild animals in the back of the SUV while the little one was sound asleep in the front seat. In fact I began pounding Sara up the ass as she was reaching between the front seats to recover the pacifier the baby had dropped. But as expected, since I had warned her before we got into it, she felt extremely guilty for doing that with her baby in the car. There was definately not going to be repeat performance like that ever again.

Nuns

Apparently - according to Sara - her weekend was spent with 70 yr old nuns. That's all I got from her. My guess is it was a group of older women with no real interest in getting wild out on the town. That would explain why she has never talked about them, and why I never got the late night - girl gone wild - messages. So my assignment would have been to no avail as well, since it would have involved one of her friends. But I would have loved to hear about her weekend anyway. Guess I'll have to ask for details. There is also an outside chance I may be meeting up with her - and her two young girls - next Saturday. They are 26 and 10 mos old, so there shouldn't be a problem. No, weren't not going to meet for sex, just meet at a park for a picnic or the like. Something we've always wanted to do, but didn't want to waste the time out of the bedroom. Her husband and the boys have other plans.

Her Expectations

I thought I'd respond to a comment left on my previous post with this post, it was a good question pertaining to this weekend. The commenter asked what I thought Sara's expectations were? Although I think I spend every waking hour trying to anticipate her expectations, I'm sure I'm only right maybe half the time. I'm sure she expected more emails to read when she got back, and she always expected an email or two first thing in the morning. She knows that I'm at work by 6:30am and expects/hopes that she is the first thing on my mind. But what did she see? Only one small email wishing her a good time that I actually sent before she left on Thursday. And then this morning there was nothing. If that were her expectations, I certainly failed in delivering on them. Of course what she didn't see is that I was in the middle of composing an email during the time she checked in, and that there were a few voicemails I had left her over the weekend that she never bothered to check for.

Expectations

Expectations. Usually the root of most problems in a relationship. Our expectations directly correlate to what we would do in the same circumstance. I expected Sara to correspond via voicemail this weekend. At the least check for voicemail. She didn't. I was totally bummed and doubting what was real between us. Then less than an hour after she got home Sunday evening, she checked for email from me. Keep in mind, she was gone for 4 days from her 4 kids and husband. Probably had lots to do as well, yet she took the time to check in. Go figure. That was not expected. And although she didn't leave me a message, she was back in again before 7am this morning to see if I'd left her anymore messages. A double 'go figure'.

She's Back

She's getting ready for a trip out of town with some girl friends - not the same girls as the last time - and felt the need to update me on things. She actually first responded to an erotic story I sent her. Later I asked her about the 'assignment' and added another one for her to perform during her flight out of town. Her response to that was something like "how about if i just sit back, close my eyes, and just think about them. :)" She's very excited about leaving her husband with the 4 kids for this long weekend away, and wanted to share it with me. I told her to check voicemail while she's gone and I'll have left her another assignment for her to perform before coming back. I'm not sure what that'll be yet, but since she's been bi-curious lately, and she'll be partying with some (probably) drunk girlfriends, it'll be something along those lines.

Considering she needs to be at the airport by 1pm, has 5 loads of laundry to do, still needs to finish packing, still take care of 4 little kids, but manages to make time to come online a few times, I'm pretty sure where she's at right now. That's a good thing.

5 Times

That's how many times Sara checked in yesterday. But left me nothing. That's very unusual for her. After the third time she checked in, I felt she was needing to read something from me so I left her an email. Just small talk, but I did end it with saying how bad I needed to fuck her. But nothing back from her, which means she didn't do her assignment either. This was the assignment I left her:

Right now, go into the bathroom, remove your pants and squat down. using two fingers, fuck yourself till you cum. for the rest of the day do this everytime you have a sexual thought about us that lasts longer than a few moments.

Before you go to bed, tell me how many times you had to do yourself. then do yourself once more in bed.

So, I'm back to weaving my spider web, trying to lure her back. I'll need to look back and see where and why I've stopped trying to end things. But that's the furthest thing from my mind now. So in deference to Kayten, I'll come up with a different subline for my blog.

Great Weekend

**UPDATED BELOW**
It was a beautiful weekend but I was having trouble enjoying it. Sara hadn't checked in since last Wednesday and I was becoming really pissed at her. Actually it was probably because I was pissed at myself for not being able to enjoy the weekend. Yes, all outward appearances showed things were normal with me, but I couldn't help wonder what she was doing. And I'm pretty sure she was putting herself thru the same thing. That's what got me so pissed at her. She's putting us both thru this. But, she did finally check in on Sunday night, but left nothing. I decided to leave her a message Monday morning with an assignment. Its something sexual in nature. If/when she goes for it, I'll then share it with you. But now I'll have to wait until she checks back in again. Or should I say, 'if' she checks back in. There is no doubt that its my stubborness that carries me through these down times. I'm not exactly sure where/when I abandoned any effort to end things, but I have no desire to at this time.

**She checked in and read her assignment this morning. She then checked back at noon as well which probably means she ignored it the first time she read it, but now she is possibly interested. If she follows it, she should be sending me a message before going to bed tonight. We'll see.

Busy Week

It's been a busy week, and not looking much better. Only update I have is that I did drop an email to her asking if she set another date yet. She did check in last night, but didn't read the email. ???? I'm guessing she doesn't want me to know she checked in. It doesn't take any snooping on my part to know this, the current email system we use is an internal one and it tells you if your message was read. It also tells you the last time the person logged in. She must not know that.

Once again, I'm sorry for not having much, I do have alot about us to share. But no time right now. And my stats show my readership dropping off because of that. Oh well. I just hope you come back once in awhile to get caught up.

Nothing New

Sorry I don't have time to post more, but that's what sucks about coming back from vacation. So much to catch up on. Anyway, nothing new on the Sara front. She still hasn't checked in since Sunday. I was doing great up to yesterday, but today is a completely different day. No plans to call her, or desires to. But I do feel I need to do something. Not sure what. Maybe go back on vacation.

Silence of the Wolf

You know, I've been chewing on those emails for most of yesterday, and I'm still confused. For all intents and purposes, I've left it pretty clear with Sara that I realize this is over. Yes, I did leave an open door for her to walk back through, but at the time she wrote those, I hadn't left any messages for 6 days. Yet she still felt the need to prove something to me. I don't know how many times she's checked for a response while I was gone, but I do know that since I've been back on Sunday, she's only checked in once. I'll just continue to lay low for awhile and see what develops. I've been silent for 11 days now.

Great Vacation!

As is all of them. Don't have much time right now, so I'll keep this short. Left her nothing for (so far) 10 days. But she sent me these two emails the middle of last week that I just read this morning. You explain them to me.

1st one:
almost there... finally!! 11 more lbs to go...til.....100 lbs.
since you don't like skinny this should work out just fine. LEAVE!!
you wouldn't recognize me. it's almost to point where i don't recognize myself. catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror & find myself double taking.

2nd one:
btw. if not mistaken remembering you saying skinny & big boobs aren't attractive. i've managed to unfortunately or fortunately (haven't decided yet) hold on to my DD.
so i guess we'll just meet up in public with families, then you can see that you are no longer attracted to me in any way, shape, or form (no pun intended) and this can be over once & for all!