We Talked.

Yesterday afternoon we talked on the phone for about a half hour before business overtook me. Unfortunately it seemed we had so much to say, neither of us did much listening. LOL. However. There is that possibility that she might be back to resisting me. After a whole week of constant voicemails back and forth, she has not been back to check for messages since our conversation. With her husband out of town, that's one less obstacle for her. And that leaves her nights completely open once the kids settle down for bed. But nothing as of mid-afternoon today. Voice or email. But its been a beautiful couple of days so I hope she's making the most of it with her children.

Our 4th anniversary is coming up next weekend. We will both be at the same event where we first met. But things aren't falling into place at all. The latest is that her husband and boys will be coming along. The boys heard Sara talk about a motel room, and they went nuts. They want to stay in the motel room. And husband thinks that's a great idea. Considering what had gone down just a couple weeks ago. If he see's me gigging at this event, 200 miles from where he saw me last, there could be many questions he will be asking Sara.

Things are Good.

We've been exchanging a lot of voice messages since last Friday, but I have yet to get to talk to her on the phone. Another opportunity to meet up this Friday just fell by the wayside, but I'm not so bummed about that. It was a longshot. I'm just glad she's searching for these opportunities. I did lure her back onto email once, something she's avoided for almost a month now. I told her I left a picture of me she might be interested in looking at. That did the trick. But she did say she was very worried getting back online. Since her computer doesn't clean up consistantly, and her husband being home most of the time, her concerns are justified. In the past she would usually have time to contact me so I could help her if any problems arose. Now if only I can get her on the phone once in awhile.

Doing lunch with Nastya today. She wanted to get together before she left for a week. After our encounter that Friday night, I've pretty much just laid back, and she hasn't been as forthcoming, so lunch should be a little interesting. My guess we'll both ignore that anything ever happened.

Wasn't Meant To Be

We exchanged a few more voicemails yesterday afternoon, and each one got us more and more excited about today. There was no doubt in my mind that she was 100% where I had hoped she'd be. I fell asleep early so I didn't get her last two messages until this morning. The first told me she had just gotten back from shopping and has the bagels and cream cheese. She also went to Victoria's Secret and picked up something special for me. I had such a big smile of anticipation as I listened. The second voicemail wiped that smile right off my face. She just got a call from her husband (last night) and that his Friday's meeting was cancelled. He planned to head on home but will probably stop somewhere halfway and drive the rest of the way this morning. My heart sank listening to this. She said, in the past he has sometimes driven all the way home. So she's not sure if he'll do that. And even if he does stop, she won't know when he'll wake up to finish his drive. As it turns out, it was 6am when he headed out, and was expected home about 9am. Disappointed doesn't even begin to describe how I am feeling today.

Back Out

Sara left a message saying she's having second thoughts. Wants the evening to hash it out for herself. I left her a message telling her its ok, but that she should just look at it as two friends getting together. (She always gets nervous the night before.) She replied saying she'll go through with it but that she's afraid it really might just be friends getting together and that I'll be hurt by it. My response was that I'll truly believe and accept anything she tells me as long as I can look in her eyes when she says it. What sucks is my excitement now has been replaced by anxiety.

Getting a Room.

I left Sara with the idea of a picnic breakfast in a park somewhere. I also told her that this has to be about us. Not just for me. I told her that of all the things I listed (see previous post) that I desired to do with and to her, that just to be with her is all I care about. I only want to hold, feel, touch and kiss her. She replied that we were 'in sync' because she didn't know what she might be ready for either. She loved the picnic idea, but that being in public near and around her hometown would make her very anxious. She asked that I get a room and she'll bring the bagels and cream cheese, and I'm to bring the coffee.

Now if this had been an exchange of emails, because of what has gone down this week, I would be suspecting she only wants to talk, and possibly ends things. This being an idea of mine several times in the past. But since I could hear her voice, I sense she just wants to be with me. She probably is justifying this get-together to herself as two friends meeting for breakfast and conversation. I will even go as far as to say that this might even be a test for her, to see if all those feelings and emotions for me still exist as strongly as before. I'm not reading anything into her request for us to get a room. I totally understand how she would feel more comfortable not having to look over her shoulder out in public.

My Head is Spinning.

After leaving many emails yesterday trying to console her - I decided that today I'd lighten things up, and take a chance to see if I can get her juices flowing. What I left her went something like this:

i know what i promised, but i also know i'm going to slip up at times.

here is a slip up.

i want to hold you, kiss you, make love to you.

then fuck you, lick you, fuck you again. fuck you till you scream.

fuck you till we both orgasm.

then hold you again. feel your skin.

your warmth.

i want you to fall asleep in my arms.

then i'll wake you with a kiss and just gaze deep into your eyes.

i want to be with you. you're that amazing.

nothing in the world matters when i'm with you.

nothing in the world matters when we're together.

i know that might not happen tomorrow.

or next week. next month.

maybe not till next year, but i'll wait because

you're that awesome.

we're that awesome.

lets not forget how wonderful we feel when we're together.

talk to me.

Sara broke her silence. She left me a short voicemail and told me she has Friday completely free from early morning up until about noon. My guess is that her in-laws are taking the kids somewhere. She wants me to take it from there. As is the case the other times we meet up, she wants minimal communication beforehand. So my chances of gauging exactly where she's at will be difficult beforehand. The reason I need to know is because of the things she said to me yesterday. She made a comment during her long voicemail that sounded like she thinks that its only about the sex for me. I need to prove her wrong, but also need to make her realize how much that is a part of us. How the hell do I do that? Not have sex, but have sex. I'm thinking the answer is to make love, but that can't happen if we don't have a room. But getting a room will give her the preconceived notion that its all about the sex.

10,000

Hey, just noticed I'm about 30 hits away from my 10,000th visit. Let me know if you're the lucky one. I'll think up a prize, or maybe I'll let you think it up. Obviously you need to be realistic about it.

Trouble in Paradise.

Well, it was bound to happen. In the course of exchanging many, many, voicemails I've managed to send Sara deep into the dumps. She has come off of a wonderful weekend (specifically Friday night), and while in the process of sharing all the excitement and fun she had, I became a real downer for her. I had a hard time hearing about all the other people whom she paid more attention to then me. And I became very insecure about us. She realized we weren't 'in sync' with each other and opted to take a break for the rest of the day (yesterday). This hit home with me and I left her a very nice message apologizing for wanting so much attention and for not wanting to hear about all the fun she had. Even though she said she was taking a break, she did come back and listen to that message. I felt pretty good about rising above the insecurity that was beginning to overwhelm me. But that's how we left things yesterday. This morning was a different story. I realized that I had apologized for wanting her attention. I never get to see here, or talk to her. And the chances that we are ever in the same place at the same time is very rare. And I also realized that I was apologizing for not wanting to hear about all the attention she paid to 'strangers'. I would have had no problem if it was just her husband. I ended the message with "I give you all that I can give you, and only ask a little in return". This apparently hit a raw nerve with Sara, and what I received were 3 very emotional, verging on a breakdown, voicemails from her. She was very upset, but not angry, that 'the little I ask in return' consists of asking her to cheat on her husband. Cheat on her children. Go against everything she knows is the moral thing to do. I can't possibly cover all the things she said, but you can probably guess most of what is bothering her. But most of all, she said she just needs a friend right now. Not somebody to complicate her already complicated life. Keep in mind throughout all this I was waiting for the 'goodbye' speech to start. But it became apparent to me that she didn't want me to go. She was very careful in what she said, but it was so painfully obvious she was crying for help. She was hurting because I made her feel like she let me down. I took, what was to her, an escape from her daily life, and the fun she had being away from it, and made her feel like she didn't fulfill her responsiblity to me. I was almost in tears as I listened to this. Her last statement pretty much summed it up totally. "If I wasn't feeling so down, and know I couldn't get myself back up, I'd tell you to just fuck off". She began to cry and hung up.

Knowing Sara as well as I do, I quickly left a message for her, and sure enough, she already was listening to it. This went on 3 more times, me leaving her a message after she listened to the previous, because i knew she needed me to make her feel better. In my messages I promised I would continue to give her my all, but that I'd ask for nothing in return. I will be her friend for as long as she needs one, and I'll be her lover whenever she needs one.

This is a first for Sara. She was not asking/begging me to leave. She is only asking me to uncomplicate things between us for awhile. I think I can do that. For a little while. But until she begins to reply back to anything I say, I won't know when and if I've accomplished that. If you recall in my previous posts, I knew I needed to balance on a fine line to keep things as they were. Obviously I lost my balance.

Friday Night.

Ok. The bartending gig I had was at a place that holds about 600 people, so naturally I didn't figure there would much of a chance that I would see both of them at the same time, or definately not in the same vicinity of each other. I was wrong on both counts. Nastya showed up first with her friend and found a table close to the bar, and within my line of sight. Because how I do what I do (think the movie 'Cocktail), I'm considered the entertainment and thus the bar sits higher and allows me a good view of the crowd, and they have a good view of me as well. About 10 minutes later Sara shows up with her husband, and we make eye contact the whole time they are looking for an empty seat. This particular club has long tables that seat about 16 people each so you share a table with other partiers. They honed in on a table right next to where Nastya was sitting, but fortunately a group of guys cut in front of them and took those spots. Sara's husband was obvioiusly not happy with them but started looking elsewhere. Nastya had seen what happened as well and motioned to Sara that she has empty seats at her table. They talked for a few seconds, and while I was starting to freak, Sara tried to get her husbands attention. Fortunately he found a table as well, but only two away from Nastya. But much better than sitting at the same table. It was an unusually slow night so I wasn't swamped and had time to flirt with Sara. I know I had a huge grin on my face, and so did she, but I kept glancing over at her husband who was busy talking to somebody else at the table, and he did not notice. Nastya was seated kinda sideways to me and so didn't really notice as well. I don't think. This went on about an hour - but it was such a blur to me. I have no idea how I didn't screw up, even though I don't remember a thing I did. LOL. Then her husband suggests they move to the back of the club - probably because the music is pretty loud up front where they were sitting. This particular table had a bunch of college kids, some celebrating a bachelor's party. I watched as these guys hit on Sara, and I also watched her husband's concern. The guys played the 'lets get in good with husband so we can party and hit on his wife when he's not looking' routine. He seemed to fall for it, as I learned latter from Sara that he bought the table a couple rounds of shots that night. I honestly felt sorry for him because I know he felt outmatched by these young studs. And he was. But Sara was a lot like my wife in those situations, and played along but didn't let things get out of hand. But it was because of these guys that kept me from 'stealing' Sara for a few minutes. Her husband was watching her like a hawk. But Sara told me they had a great time and he didn't seem upset about anything that happened that night. Oh, by the way. According to Sara, he did point me out right away when they arrived. He recognized me from the other times they had visited the city. But since I'm a 'performer', he didn't think much of it. Later that evening he even pulled me aside to compliment me on my performance. That freaked out both Sara and I. LOL.

So where did Nastya fit in during all this? She was busy enough talking to her friend as well as the guys who were hitting on them, to not notice my attention was elsewhere. But when I took a break, she came and grabbed my hand, pulling me to her table. I'm not sure if I should say "fortunately", or "unfortunately" that Sara did not see this. Although I had no problems watching Sara get hit on (probably because she kept giving me such a wonderful smile now and then as she was eating up all the attention), I was a little upset because these guys were the cause of why I won't get any time with her. So as I was sitting at the table with Nastya we slowly became very cozy and began to hold hands. All those other desires started to creep in as well as I put my arm around her and pulled her closer to me. Before I knew it I had pulled her from the table and into the backroom of the club where I tried to kiss her. She stopped for a moment and asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. I said yes. Then she said "we are only just friends. right?" I said "right". We kissed briefly, then proceeded to make out like school kids. I knew there was a camera in this backroom so I definately had no intention to going any further. But it was obvious things could have progressed very quickly from that point.

Later that night, when I saw Sara again, I began to feel depressed. Not so much because of what I had done with Nastya - that being pure lust - but because once again Sara was just inches from my finger tips. And I couldn't do a thing about it.

Oh My.

What a night that was. I will figure out a way to tell you everything without getting too specific for anonymity sake. But they were both there, all night. They spoke to each other briefly. And Sara's husband spoke with me briefly. I didn't get my moment with Sara, but had one with Nastya. Oh yeah, very interesting night. Check back soon for the details.

The Plan

Sara has listened to my plan for tomorrow night (Friday) and is very excited. Actually she sounded a little too excited. It's important to me that she isn't looking for me. Not only will that distract her from her husband, but he will surely notice her distraction as well. So I designed the plan such that I look for her, and when we make eye contact, the plan goes into action. The outcome will be one minute to hold and kiss her. That's it. Nothing more.

Of course, Nastya is still planning on being there as well. But she still is looking for somebody to go with her, she is not going to go alone. Hopefully that may save me from a potential disaster. But what's the worse that can happen? Ok, I've just thought of three scenarios that would be disasterous, but highly unlikely scenarios.

I know there are those of you who scratch your head and wonder how I could say I love Sara so much, but still 'play' with Nastya. Sara is always present in my mind and totally in my heart. Nastya is present only in my day.

What's Up With Nastya?

I was reminded that I hadn't really been saying much, if anything, about how things are with Nastya. Other than the initial bond we kinda had for each other, things haven't progressed any from there. What's wierd is that we are very comfortable with each other - never hesitating to ask each other out to lunch. But with that said, we also seem very nervous when we are together. First date nervous. But that probably might come from my hesitation to respond to subtle signals I get from her at times. She places her hands close enough to mine which makes me want to hold them. I don't. She walks close enough next to me which makes me want to put my arm around her. I don't. She stands close enough in front of me which makes me want to kiss her. I don't. Yet, I seem certain that if I did do any of these things, she would withdraw her hands. Her shoulders. Her lips. Because I'm certain the fact that I'm married remains in the forefront of her mind. Going slow is good for me, but I'm afraid if I go too slow, she'll lose interest. Not really sure what I should do. We seem to have the friends part down pretty good. Maybe its time to investigate the benefits part? How do you do that without jeopardizing the friendship?

It's All Good

Sara had found time to leave me a few messages over the weekend and its all good. She is sincerely apologetic about her lack of communication and asks that I continue to be patient because she loves knowing I'm there (here) for her. I can hear in her voice that she continues to be in a good place and that has really put my mind at ease. She still hopes to 'tease' me Friday night, but realizes her husband will be making the decision where they go to party that night. And she has reminded me that it is only three weeks till our own anniversary (4 years) and her plans are still to see me that weekend. Albeit we may never find much time to be alone together because she will be with friends. But we do have a room just for us just in case any opportunities arise.

So how does any of this affect my relationship with Nastya? I'm not sure. Knowing that Sara counts on me to be there for her, and that she truly makes an effort to make time for me, I guess I've got slightly mixed emotions about now. But these are things that I knew, or at least suspected, of Sara, and Nastya helps me from pressuring for more from Sara. So really nothing has changed. But there is no doubt my heart still belongs totally to Sara. It's all good.

Just Out of Reach

You know what surprises me? Try to follow this. Sara is (almost) exactly where I've been wanting her to be since we met. I picked up from almost the beginning that it was the obsessiveness that she had for me (as well as I had for her) that was causing most of our problems. Since she was an all or nothing kind of girl, she wanted all of me. All of my time. All of my attention. And this filled her days of thinking only of me, and ignoring her wifely duties at home. This is where the guilt would creep in. And to counter that guilt, she wanted nothing to do with me. And would leave. This was the constant extreme highs and lows we would endure for a long time. I've tried many times - with horrible results - to try to get us to 'fit' into each others normal lives. The 50 emails a day needed to stop. Her expectations of me needed to become more realistic. And she needed to understand that any attempts by me to get a handle on all this was because I loved her so much and realized if we were to remain in each others lives, it was necessary. But I failed continously. Any attempts to put limits on things was looked upon as disinterest in her on my part. Or, at times, thoughts that somebody else came into my life and was taking my time now. But during these almost 4 years, she was either in my arms (extreme highs) or a million miles away (extreme lows). Now it appears she's got us under control. She's found space for me in her homelife (albeit only a crawl space). It's what I've been working towards all along. She's right there for me, yet I can't shake this frustrating feeling that she's just inches out of reach. I want her back in my arms, but I can't upset this balance she's achieved. Is that even possible? Is it possible that all along I've wanted all of her, and that I've been working towards 'nothing' ever being an option?

In Response

This post is prompted by the number of comments on my previous post in regards to Sara bringing her family to places that I gig at. First off, I love it when she does that. I find nothing disturbing about it. The simultaneous vacations idea was in response to a fantasy we had, but she realized the fantasy would be overshadowed by having to see me with my wife. Something she knows she could never handle. My bigger concern was that we would be too distracted with each other that we'd forget to have fun with our families. As far as Sara celebrating her anniversary with her husband at one of my gigs. I believe that was truly a coincidence that I was going to be there that night - although the chances were pretty good I would be. But knowing that, she made no attempt to change her plans, and only solidified them.

Neither of us are tormented in our family lives. We enjoy and cherish it. The torment only comes in when we ponder too long on the fact the we can't enjoy and cherish each other as much as we'd like. But you must realize this isn't a fantasy we choose to have with each other. It's very much reality. And our families are very much a big part of that reality. My feelings for her do not change one bit when I see her with her family. I guess in a way its an opportunity to see her in a 'family way', something I could never see otherwise. My love and desire for her is only heightened by that.

All is OK

Sara left me a message. Probably because I asked her to take one minute our of her busy day and let me know if everything is ok, if she's ok, if we're ok. And it is. And as she caught me up on what's going on with her, there was a baby screaming in the background, and her two boys were either fighting, or playing agressively. But she seemed to block all that out as she sounded cheery, happy, and sincerely apologetic for not taking more time out for me. I felt bad thinking she felt the need to apologize, but it was so good to hear that she's seemed to have found a place for all of us. But I'm afraid the growing need and desire to see each other again, and the realization that its these other things that are getting in the way of that, will disrupt the present balance. And that's where I need to tread lightly. She must never doubt how bad I want to see her, but in doing so I can't allow her to feel any overwhelming pressure to make that happen.

Lunch with Nastya today. I hope my expectations of her doesn't cause me to push things too fast. I want her time. I want her friendship. I want her to be the diversion I need, to help keep the balance going with Sara. As much as that sounds like I'm using her, I don't feel that way. I sincerely like Nastya, and I like her company.