Private Account

Well, it seems Sara hasn't totally been staying away. I just recently discovered (by accident) that she had set up her own mail account in the same system we are using a few months ago. If you remember my Desperation post a little while back, I mentioned she had already created, and locked the next (numbered) account**. I thought it was an attempt to send a message of her desperation to me. Well it turns out that that next number happened to be the account she created awhile back. Its my guess she is using it to forward the emails and pictures that she wants to keep, since she loses them each time she 'deletes and locks'. I don't know for sure she is using it for this purpose, but without going into a confusing explanation of how I know, it is definately her account. And last night she was in it.

**As a reminder about our email account - the same username is used but with a number added. Each times she locks an account, I (or she) usually set up the next one with the number going up by one. The account she set up is username12 - which at the time we were only on '3'. I guess she didn't ever imagine locking out so many accounts that we'd run up against it.

Ten Days.

It was nice to take a break from blogging. Helped, of course, by the fact that I haven't heard a peep from Sara for 10 days now. I feel good for her because I know this is a small victory for her. But as always I hope she comes back, and when she does, I know I'll feel bad for her. I'll know she'll feel like she's failed once again, and I won't have the right words to convince her otherwise. But one thing I forgot to mention in my last post was the voicemail I had left her in response to her computer problem. It being the last message she listened to before disappearing. It wasn't very nice, and I think I called her a bitch a few too many times. You see, when I first retrieved her voicemail it was very late at night (or rather very early in the morning), and I was tired but very excited to see a message from her. Instead of hearing the sweet voice I longed to hear, I heard somebody bitching at me. Thus the reason for leaving my response. Well, a couple days later I relistened to her voice message and realized she wasn't bitching at me, she was just very much in a panicked state. I felt horrible as I relistened to her plea for me to help her out, but by then it was too late. My apology is still sitting, waiting to be listened to, in voicemail.

Weekend

I finally heard from Sara over the weekend. But she wasn't very happy. In one of my emails I had sent her a link to a website that had several very interesting remote-controlled sex toys. Apparently she went and visited that site Friday night and picked out a few things she liked. But then spent an hour trying to clean up her tracks from the computer. And tracks to that site weren't disappearing. She called my cellphone in a panic needing my help because her husband was due home any minute. Unfortunately when I'm at my gig I leave my phone in the car and didn't get the message until later. I haven't heard from her since so I don't know if she solved her problem.

But she did tell me her husband has quit his job for good now and will be home all the time. No word on what his plans are, but I do remember her saying he's thinking of starting his own business. Anyway, it'll be more difficult for her to check for messages from me so I'm not expecting much from her from here on out. I guess the only plus is that she won't have to deal with getting a sitter if - and that's a very big IF - we try to get together again.

The Web

Well, Sara surprised me by checking back into voicemail so soon. Two days in a row. But actually it wasn't a surprise that she finally got back into email as well. She hasn't left me anything, but I suspect today will be the day I finally hear from her. However, I'm not setting any expectations, she has become too unpredictable. But it seems that web that I subconsciencously weave has trapped her again.

Comments and Stats

Well it seems for now that Sara has switched to checking voicemail and is staying away from email. The lesser of two evils? She isn't leaving me anything but she's still hanging around and I have no problem with that. Speaking of hanging around, my stats tell me that I have gained a few regular readers, and I'm getting hit more often per day. But oddly the number of comments, and especially emails, I receive is down drastically. Don't be shy, I like hearing from you. Like most, if you don't like leaving your comment in the public section, feel free to just email it to me.

BTW: To help end the confusion some (or most) of you are having - my intentions right now are to have Sara meet up with me one more time. End this the right way. Do I want it to end? No. But as long as Sara feels it needs to end, I will try my best.

Now THIS Is Juicy.

This was last August, we were apparently discussing getting together soon. She still had some pounds to lose since it was June when she had her 4th child, so she wanted a target date to shoot for. Here was a nice (typical)little exchange after just speaking with her on the phone (no sex).

Sara: definitely cheered me up:-) walking around with extra kick in my step...not to mention the cream in my pants ;-)
gawd. u manage to get me soooo incredibly horny & it's usually just by one sentence from u. heavy sigh!
i think this is the earliest we've ever talked about getting together. (such a far off date) what do u think? thinking ur a little concerned/skeptical. thinking we def. need Sept. not Oct.!! better if it's thurs. or fri.

Me: i'm glad i could help. that makes my day. just which sentence was it this time?

Sara: can't remember the exact words. but u were talking about the nipple vibrators. and that voice of urs... now u got my pussy tinglin.

Me: luv to hear ur pussy is tinglin. could be vibrating too. hmmm, pussy and nipple tingling/vibrating same time. my cock filling ur ass.

Sara: pure torture here on out! want to sit my ass on ur cock so i can get all of it.


From there it probably lead into cyber sex, but I didn't save those. Damn. Notice her comment about my concern/skeptism about meeting up on such a future date? Obviously because we both know how quickly she can bolt. Well, the next week I was going to go on vacation with the family. Here is what she wrote the day before I was going to leave.

internet too slow. getting frustrated. boys wrestling & screaming.
girls fussing. Starting to lose it. i knew i shouldn't have come back. i know ur leaving. want to be here spending time with you, but surroundings aren't allowing. but doesn't matter. even if i had the whole day with u it wouldn't be enough to
store up for a whole week.
ok. i'm going to start crying. gotta go.


Now, when I go on vacation, no matter how often I try to keep in touch with her, it always is never enough. Usually she dumps me before I even get home. The time before this there was trouble with the voicemail so I was not able to leave many messages. Of course, I was headed for dumpsville again but thought to forward her my cell records. It showed I tried 65!! times to call voicemail over a 7 day period. That, fortunately, saved my ass. LOL. So, I had a plan for this time. I took a whole bunch of pictures of me and arranged to send her a link each day so she could see a set at a time. That worked for the first 3 days. The night before the 4th day, I sent her the link for that next day. When she saw that I had sent it the night before - yup, you guessed it. Deleted everything and locked it out. Well not exactly because of that. Earlier in the day she had a 'guilt spell' while driving her boy to school. When she came home and saw that, that was just icing on the cake. Her words:
was feeling it in the morning. then came back
to the e-mail "i'll be gone the whole day" which just added to matters.
upset that i was that upset that u were gone. -- that i relied on u
that much every day.
She had been gone about 10 days before coming back. Obviously still hurting, but back nonetheless.

So, once again, you can see why her contention that her feelings have not been there for almost two years, is a total ruse to convince herself and possibly me. I hate to beat a dead horse here, but I will continue to do so. LOL.

Juicy Stuff

Well not exactly. Since Sara has a propensity to slash and burn emails, and at that time we used the same account, I used to keep a seperate account that I would forward emails that I wanted to keep around awhile. Several months ago I was unsuccessful in getting into that account so I figured I had forgotten the password. I tried it again last night and the password worked. This is a treasure chest of stuff from last year. It's nice to read this stuff and realize that I wasn't living in a fantasy. I kept the stuff that touched me at the time, and it still does today. The numerous times she'd thank me for her 'awesome day', the numerous times she'd tell me in graphic detail what she needed me to do to her, as well as, sadly, the times she'd be introspective about us and how its creates such pain in her heart when she admits to loving me more than anything else in her world. As in this email she sent after coming back from being 'gone':

Okay, the wall is coming down for two min.
- soooo good to hear ur voice! ahhh. had no intentions of
calling..but second time opening e-mail...i did. next best thing to an O. lol. feel relaxed & calm. :-) few months ago..laying in bed..thinking. the last 3 yrs of my 6 yr marriage has been a lie. I don't want it to be that way. but i think about u every day...every night. lay in bed & fantasize about u.

wanted so bad to say 'i love u' on the phone. i just can't open those doors again. the guilt is exhausting for me. ahh. guess the two min. are up.

At least up until September of last year, as evident in her emails, her feelings for me were the same, if not more intense than at our beginnings. And since September I still have the vivid memories of her emotional breakdowns on the phone whenever she would struggle between wanting me, and wanting me to go away. Yeah, I understand why she is trying to convince me otherwise. But, then again. I don't understand.

A Friend

Had a wonderful weekend, as is usual, but was still a little disappointed that Sara had not checked in yet. That is until I checked voicemail and realized she had been into that this weekend. The voicemail I had left was similar to the email I have waiting for her. We'll see if maybe the ball gets rolling this week.

Received an email from a friend who tells me she has recently become involved in a married man. After giving me details on the fantastic sex that they have been having, she has asked my opinion on the situation. Hmmmm. Where do I begin? Although she knew about my affair with Sara, as far as she knows, that was over a long time ago. So I don't think I'll bring any of that up to her. I guess I'll just point out the obvious pitfalls that has become so apparent to me via these blogs. Although, she has been so unlucky with men, and they have been few and far between since her divorce two years ago, I'm afraid it will fall on deaf ears for now.

Friday. Already?

I didn't realized I hadn't posted since Tuesday. Which is also the last time Sara has checked in. Guess when I said I needed to take a step back, it meant away from my blog as well. As much as I love her, and as much as it sucks when she's not around, I'm glad I've learned to keep most of this in perspective. By that I mean I don't let it drag me down. But my days are filled with mental reminders of her and as long as those bring a smile to my face, and not a longing in my heart, that's a good day. But lest I make you think I'm sitting idly by, that's only partially true. I do have an email sitting in a new account that is essentially telling her to put up, or shut up. Ok, in not so harsh of wording, but it should illicit a response from her. Good, bad, or indifferent.

Reminder

I'd like to thank Leandra for reminding me of something I wanted to post today. Her comment to a previous post was a question wondering if Sara is only about the wild sex, and that if my wife came around, would that be enough for me? If you haven't had a chance to read Kayten's post from Monday - "I miss it sometimes" - please read it. It was by far the best description of what happens each time Sara and I do make love. And the best explanation of why I know we are 'in love' with each other. After the initial 'rip our clothes off and have animal sex', we always settle into making love at least once each visit. To my recollection, I've never had that feeling with my wife. Yet I love her deeply.

But to answer your question, Leandra, yes that would help things in the wild sex department that I miss so much with Sara. But I will forever long for the opportunity to make love to her.

Desperation

Well, her desperation to run away is really becoming apparent now. And I'm feeling pretty awful for it. This morning she locked yet another account, and she even went as far as creating the next account just so she could lock it too. As I had just mentioned before, this really serves no purpose. But I guess for now its a way to make me realize how much she is trying to win this battle with herself. I need to take a big step backwards and get back to some serious thinking on my part. I know what the right thing to do is. But my stubborness won't allow that - just yet. I want one more time with her. I want to erase these past few months and replace it with memories of our last day together. Why won't she give that to me? She almost did but backed out. Is she afraid that it really will be the end? Is she afraid that all the feelings and emotions she has been suppressing will surface? And not allow her to go through with a true ending to an otherwise awesome chapter in our lives?

FYI

Recently there has been some small discussions and comments on the blogs I read that has to do with how wonderful it is when two married people (to each other) can have an awesome sex life as well. And this is also a response to a comment wondering why I've never mentioned anything about my family. I'm not trying to make any points here - I think this is just more of an 'FYI'.

I have a wonderful relationship with my wife and kids. Whenever we do things as a family we have a blast. Sure we have the occasional problems but nothing that doesn't get worked out in a short period of time. One thing that used to be a problem was that my happiness around my family was driven by where Sara and I were in our relationship. I've pretty much solved that and only occasionally will I allow the bad times with Sara to weigh heavy on my mind while I'm with the family.

Also, I am constantly trying to kick my sexual relationship with my wife up a notch. From teasing to taunting to whispering sweet, naughty and wicked things into her ear. She responds with her own teasing and taunts, but then looks at me as if I've got two heads when she realizes I'm being serious. I'm sure it's more from embarassment and a lack of self-confidence in herself because she's usually otherwise responsive when she has consumed a large quantity of alcohol. Drunk sex is awesome, but it sure would be nice if it were awesome for a couple of spontaneous minutes at random times of the day/week. However, I know it has to be something she wants it to be as well. But just like I don't like playing those silly '100 Nights of Great Sex' games, she is not into my brand of 'foreplay' either. So as a compromise we arrange nights where heavy drinking is an option, and then I spend the next morning apologizing to her as I try not to have to explain why her asshole burns like hell. Again.

Her Predictablity is Unpredictable

As predictable as Sara has become over the years, that's how unpredictable she is now. I mentioned that last Wednesday she locked out the account and by Thursday night she was already into the new one. She even checked in the next morning before again locking this new account. For you new, and as a reminder to old, readers, it's necessary for us to keep this kind of account accessible. There is another email account that is impossible to lockout, one that we've used for years together, that has become risky to use. I don't want her resorting to that account to communicate back to me if necessary. So for the life of me I can't understand why she randomly decides to lock our current one(s). Could it be a message she sends to herself (and maybe me) that for sure she's leaving now? Only she can answer that. But has refused to answer whenever I've asked.

I wanted to respond to a previous comment, as well as comments left on my other favorite blogs about being able to share an awesome sexual relationship with one's own spouse. I want to share my feelings as they pertain to my life. And I'll do that in a new post.

In Response

In response to a comment in my previous post, I would like agree with the commenter that the dynamics in my affair are different than all others. And each affair has its own unique dynamics driving it. But the bottom line is still the same. I'm a cheater. But I don't care. And that's the problem. If my morals were like this throughout every aspect of my life, it might cause me to take a step back and make a change. But I'm the champion of morals, ethics and integrity in everything else, so I feel I'm allowed to be lax here. And yes, I know that's wrong and is not justification in any sort of way. But its just how I feel.

Rubber Walls

That's what I need in this room. I'm suddenly realizing that her intentions all along are to drive me to the looney farm. She checked back in last night. No message for me, but she checked back into the new account. So, that should totally convince me she is full of shit when she tries to make me believe she has no feelings for me anymore. But I'm not convinced. Which, I hope, means that I'm not that full of myself either.

On another note, here's something I'd like for the part-time or wanna-be psychologists to analyze for me. It's probably pretty simple, but I have no clue. And I've been thinking about it constantly for almost three years now. Ever since Sara and I had really become deep in our relationship, I find that now, whenever she leaves, I find myself disgusted and even angry when I see hot women flaunting their bodies and/or sexuality. This includes on tv shows as well. Yet when things are good, I am the total opposite in regards to that. Which is usually my normal demeanor my whole life. Now my first stab at that had me saying its because if I couldn't have and enjoy a hot woman, I don't want anybody enjoying them. But that would also mean that I feel that I have no chance hooking up with any of these women. But I don't feel that's the case. I'd appreciate any ideas as to why that is because I'd love to resolve that. Otherwise I see myself becoming a very grumpy and sexually frustrated old coot.

Should Add

I think I should have added to my previous post today that a very big part of me believes she is sincere about her feelings at this time. And I don't hold out much hope she'll be coming back. But that's not unusual since that's the way I feel everytime she walks away. As I mentioned yesterday, she can do this a hundred times and I will always feel its the last time.

Gone Fishing

A thought struck me totally out of the blue last evening. I wasn't even thinking about Sara when it hit me. Is it possible she went fishing in her last email to me? And when I didn't bite, it formed a new resolve in her to walk away? At first I was surprised since it seemed to come out of nowhere. But she had previously stayed away for about 10 days, and probably thought she was proving something to me. Here is what she wrote:

I think you are finally realizing it's over for me. From where I stand, I see you hoping to hold on to the sex part...the chance of getting together once or twice a year. For a woman it's much more than that...it takes feelings, etc. Those feelings aren't there like they use to be. And as far as your hopes to rekindle...not likely. Atleast it hasn't happened in what? two or so years now?

I guess we can e-mail as friends. But is that really what you want? In the overall scope of things I think that belittles all memories of what we had. What's your opinion? If I felt anything anymore I should be concerned about you/us. I'm not.
The whole point of this e-mail is to try & figure out where you are. What are you holding out for? What are you hoping for?

Long time ago you said something to the effect of having good memories of what we had. I feel like those are dwindling quickly....for both of us. I feel that you are ruining what we've had in hopes of having more.


She sounds so very sincere and convincing, but its deja vue. A little over two years ago I got the same speech. A few months before, she had just given birth to her 3rd child so during the time leading up to and after the birth, things had cooled completely between us. Not two months later I received an email from her that read: "Hush - don't say a word - i love you". Followed by several months of intense get togethers and even more deeper emotions between us. That was abruptly ended by her discovery of being pregnant again with her 4th. And yes, there was a very real possibility it might have been mine. But it wasn't.

No, I'm not wanting to live in the past. What's not allowing me to believe her is her contention her feelings have been gone for almost two years. But too much had happened between us emotionally during the last two years, its impossible to think otherwise. The most recent emotional breakdowns (crying) has happened over the last few months. And these weren't breakdowns pertaining to her desire to leave, it involved her desire to have more of me than she can have. So, am I really being thickheaded and too blinded by love for doubting her sincerety?

She's Gone - again

Locked the account and left once again. She can do this a hundred times (its getting close to that) and each time I'm certain its the last. And each time I tell myself that if she ever did come back, it was absolute proof that she still wants and needs to be with me. But for years, she comes back, then leaves again, and I'm back to wondering the same thing. And as always, I'm leaving her an opportunity to prove me right or wrong. But now I understand why I create a new account and wait. I always seem to want that last 'proof'. I could end this endless circle by not creating a new account and forcing her to live with her last decision to leave. But my stubborness always gets the best of me. I've told her many times that if she really wants this to end, she just needs to let it all out in an email. Tell me what we both know to be true. Recognize the fact that she wants and needs to be here, but her morals won't allow that. That's it. And I promised her I wouldn't open another account again. Now, even if she really didn't feel that way, don't you think she would write that email to get rid of me for good? I know I would.

Too Much Drama At One Time

Still trying to resolve the other drama in my life. Actually thats not true, I'm trying to avoid it for awhile, but that seems to take up just as much time. Sara finally checked in Saturday night, only a few hours after I finally decided to leave an email. This is only a coincidence since I know that's the first time she's been in the account in 10 days. She obviously made another attempt to walk away. The whole purpose of me 'taking a break' is to keep me from the anxiety of wondering if she'll be back. It happened anyway. Go figure. Anyway, she left me a few emails, but I didn't retreive them until Monday morning. But then she left me another one yesterday that kind of surprised me. Not so much the content, it was nothing she hasn't said before, but because it had to deal with 'us'. She has avoided that conversation the last few times we chatted so I knew something was up. She's just wondering again what I'm getting out of this and started into her 'feelings for me have been gone for 2 years now' speech. I responded to it, but not like I have in the past. I felt something else was prompting this discussion so I asked her what really is going on. No reply yet.

What keeps her coming back only to try to convince me her feelings for me aren't the same anymore? Is she trying to protect herself from me? It seems as if her heart keeps pulling her back to me, yet her head is trying to convince me otherwise. You think?

I'm Still Here

Things were quiet with Sara, but another drama had unfolded in my life and I've been concentrating on that. Just when its starting to subside, new drama with Sara has cropped up. I'll update later today when I've got more time.