The Wife

I don't mention much about the wife, if at all. But I've been asked enough times about her that I'll say a few things. She's great. She's beautiful. She's fun to be with. She's great with the kids. And she is totally in love with me. Aside from her constantly spending all our money, never sticking to any decision we make together, no attempt to really lose the weight she's gained over the last few years or so, and lack of desire to spice up our sex life, she's great. She's not the problem. It's me. Its those last two things that I have a real problem with. In fact, I wish she would have an affair because I really believe that would take care of those two problems. And yes, I do realize just how good I have it. Nobody realizes that more than me.

I think every man has the need to sow those wild oats and my time had come. Sara just happened to change my plans a little. When I met her I was already in the perfect affair. A woman here at work. We fell in lust with each other and kept it there for about 2 years. We could get each other creaming in our underwear during the day, and still just go out for wings and a beer during lunch. Perfect fuck buddies. More on her later.

A Problem

Sara always hated my weekend gig. Although initially she loved the attention I would get from other women, she eventually grew to hate it. It just fed her insecurities about me. No matter how much I assured her that I wasn't hooking up with other women, it was hard to convince her when it was obviously there for the taking. So she thought. So I thought as well. Since I've made the decision to look for a diversion, I figured that would be a place to find one. So this past weekend I thought I'd follow up on some of the serious* flirting that would always take place. Now keep in mind, if it was a one-night stand I was looking for (which it's not) this would seem pretty easy to follow thru on. But not so otherwise. Twice during the weekend I was attracted to a nice mature (married) woman and the feeling would seem mutual. But I had soon come to realize - I haven't a clue how to make the next move!! I'm working so I'm really limited on options. And everybody at work knows I'm married so I can't be obvious about it. The rare instance where I do have the occasion to make small talk, inevitably her friend (or spouse) would make their appearance. I'm thinking that I should write my name and email on a piece of paper, walk up to her, tell her I find her attractive while I give her the paper, then walk away. How would that play out in her mind? Any other suggestions?

*It's my job to flirt, but every once in awhile there is a definate connection being made.

Awesome

I know we had just finished another fantastic orgasm. Lying in each others arms, I stroked her soft, beautiful, bronze body. Starting just behind her left shoulder, I would trace the outline of her body as my hand passed the side of her breast and take a deep turn south as I felt the small of her back. I continued up and over her gorgeous ass and then down the back of her leg. Absolutely mesmerized at the beauty of such a wonderful woman. She had drifted asleep for a moment and then as she awakened she climbed back up on me. I was already hard from my hand transversing her body and I had slipped into her easily. She leaned down to kiss me and then while still resting on her hands she stared deeply into my eyes. We continued to look into each others eyes for almost a minute when a smile began to break over her face. I smiled back and just as I was going to ask her why, I felt a hot sensation totally engulf my balls. The sensation continued down to my ass as I now realized she was peeing on me. I can't tell you how hot that made me. While it started to pool around my ass I slowly pulled her face down to mine and I kissed her deeply as I worked my cock deeper into her. I didn't want her to stop, I didn't want that hot sensation to end, but I just had to fuck her more now than ever before. I wanted her to feel my wet, hot balls slapping against her ass so I flipped her onto her back, grabbed her ankles and pumped her fast and furious,. I made sure we both felt and heard my balls smacking up against her now wet ass. Looking into her eyes I saw that look staring back at me. That look, that unspoken word that said not to ever stop fucking her. And I didn't. I held back from cumming just so that I could experience her. Experience every inch of her body. Soon I felt her pussy squeeze hard on my cock as she began her climb to ecstasy. What a wonderful feeling to be able bring such a beautiful woman to such an intense climax. And what a wonderful sight to watch it. Soon she went limp as she drifted into her final stage of her orgasm. I had cum a little while before this time and was softening up. It was my turn to return the favor. As she laid there, I pulled out of her and after a little coaxing I began to pee on her. Her stomach, down to her swollen pussy and back again. With her eyes still closed she smiled, moaned and told me she loved me more than life. I'll never forget that.

2 Weeks

2 weeks since I last heard her voice - and she's still crying in my head. How in the world could I have said bye and just hang up knowing she's crying? In my gut I know she's upset with me for that and that's why she left again. Rationalizing? My gut has never been wrong. Yet. Even though these two weeks feel like forever, I've gone longer. Much, much longer. When she learned she was pregnant with her 3rd child, reality set in that we really needed to end things at that time. But she left very upset with me, I don't remember why, but I do remember she was mad at me. That didn't sit well with me at all so after a week I finally had to call her to make things right. Turns out she was upset because it was me who suggested we end things! I've always been in 'damned if I do, damned if I don't' situations with her. But I deal with it, even now. Anyway, for almost a year she hardly communicated with me, but did read my emails. Almost daily I would leave her something, either telling her things going on in my life, or my thoughts, emotions, and desires of her. Thing is, she didn't know that I knew she was reading them*. Every few months she would email me, but she would be very distant, and she would always go out of her way to upset me. I won't go into details, because I don't remember, but I always thought it odd that she would appear out of the blue with the sole intent of pissing me off. But that awful year ended on a beautiful, sunny Saturday morning in June when I received this email from her:
hush
don't say a word
i love you
The world, once again, became a better place. :)

*Remember, we share the same account so I would mark the emails as 'read' so that she could read them without letting on to me that she was ever there. But because of a quirk in our email system, I knew whenever she would log in. And it was daily, some days several times, but a few times she could go a week without checking. Obviously an attempt to drop me all together.

I Called Her

But not really. I had forgotten about something we used to do awhile back. When the situation wouldn't allow us to contact each other - which was quite often - we would call each other and just let it ring once. It was a way of saying hello and I'm thinking about you. That soon got out of hand and our spouses were getting suspicious* so we stopped that. So, I called her, let it ring once just to say hello and I'm thinking of you. But unfortunately I have no idea if she was home to hear it. Sigh.

Broke down a little last night. Was watching the Samurai and at the end when the Emperor had realized he was responsible for destroying the Samurai, and he was remorse for this was not at all his intention, I had tears in my eyes. Made me think that's what Sara was doing with us - destroying something so incredible - but hoping she realizes that before its too late. I know, the Samurai, our affair. The Samurai, our affair. Not exactly the same magnitude. But for those of you out there that longs for somebody you love dearly - its pretty easy to draw these correlations in many things. Anyway, if I hadn't fallen asleep so quickly I probably would have silently cried myself to sleep. It feels like today is going to be a day to reminisce.

*If the wind changed directions our spouses would be suspicious of something. A topic of another post.

Lost

Since Kathy's blogsite shut down, I lost the link to a blog that I just started to frequent. Since we all seem to blog in most of the same circles, can somebody help me with this. Its written by a woman who is divorcing her husband, and he seemed to have no problems with it until just recently. He starts to question her if that's really want she wants. Her response was something like calling him a 'fucktard'. Does that ring a bell with anyone? Anyone?

Bad Day

I feel like this is going to be a bad day for me. I woke up dreaming about Sara. Nothing erotic which is fortunate because the dream left me missing her badly enough. I'm afaid I'm going to try to call her today. And what sucks is that Thursdays are always the day she is home, or at least doesn't have places she has to get her kids too. What that means is that if I call, she'll be there. I already showed signs of breaking yesterday as I drove home from work. No particularly special song came up on the radio, I wasn't even thinking about her, but out of the blue I recalled our last telephone conversation and heard her crying in my head. My eyes immediately filled with tears. At first I wanted to allow myself to cry but I was afraid it would just bring on more aches. I shook it off and switch radio stations.

I really need a diversion today. This is when a hook-up would help immensely.

Are You 1000?

I just noticed that I'm about to reach 1000 hits to my blog. Are you the one? My counter is at the very bottom of this page. Let me know. Maybe I'll have a special prize for you.

Correction

Maybe I should rephrase something. In the previous post I said that I was angry with her for breaking the rules. I should have said that the anger comes from the confusion of her breaking the rules. She knows that if she tells me she's attempting to walk away again, and I know she's not doing it because she's upset with me, then I let her go. Otherwise I will call her. It worked 19 days ago. We were in a good place and I had no intentions on calling her. So why did she come back for one day and then leave again? Without a word? Do you get the feeling that she is more okay (in her mind) with me pulling her back into the relationship? That she wants me to pull her back in? That when she comes back on her own she has more issues with herself? Is she now becoming upset with me because I haven't called yet? Do you see the confusion?

A Week

It's been a week since she has last checked messages. On Friday it will be two weeks since I've last talked to her. So in the 19 days since I've started this blog, she was back* for only 1 day. This is hard trying to let her go. Each day I feel the things that are/were helping me understand are slowly dissolving away. And underneath this is the anger that she broke one of our rules, so my stubborn side wants to break the other one by calling her.

*I consider being 'back' as exchanging emails, voicemails or talking on the phone.

V

What I wrote yesterday was fiction, something we called a "V", but for the life of me we can't remember why. It was erotic stories we'd write to each other with the unspoken intent of playing it out when we got together. That one never got played out yet, she left before we could get together. But each subsequent one would push the edge just a little, expand that ever expanding boundary. Obviously the early ones that we wrote weren't so...ummm.... intense? But they each would delve into a fantasy, or maybe search for an inner desire. I remember one I wrote that had us making love in a recording studio with Metallica's 'Forever They May Roam' pounding through the speakers - and our bodies. Throughout the story I'd intersperse lyrics from the song. She was never into this kind of music, but after reading that she just had to find and listen to that song. It still gets her juices flowing whenever she hears it now. Once she wrote me one that had to do with us both getting a body massage. She wrote how she enjoyed feeling hands work her body as she watched another woman work mine. Really work mine. This, of course, was her way of bringing up the idea of maybe introducing another woman to our sessions. But one other important aspect came from those 'V's. It set limits. By gauging her reaction to the story, I was able to determine just where that boundary was. I had introduced gagging/vomiting once before in a story and she made it very clear that she did not like that. But it did stay in the back of her mind, and later in passing, she mentioned that it did excite her in a weird way. I can only imagine what we would be into if we were able to get together on a more regular basis. Makes me hard just thinking about it.

Amzanig

What I fnid truly amizang aobut the hmuan barin is its ailbtiy to mkae snsee out of ttoal cofunsoin. It can see psat waht smtoehnig lokos lkie and drmnietee waht the rael mineang is bnhied it. Its too bad our hraets cna't wrok the smae way.

One Time

You watch me tighten the last strap on your ankle and
now you are completely chained down on the bed. You
look a little concerned as I look into my bag and
pull out some clothe pins. I watch your face as I
apply them to your nipples, not straight on but
sideways. I show you how its easy to twist your
hard nipples this way. But now I pinch your skin
just underneath the nipple and I clamp on another one.
You wince but I don't think because of the pain, but
because you are unsure if there will be pain or
pleasure. I must say I love to see you so vulnerable,
your legs spread so wide, your mound getting so wet as
I work on you. I do this same thing to your
other nipple, and then walk out of the room. I can
imagine this has you confused. How long am I going to be
gone. Where am I going? Am I even coming back? You
strain on the chains to see how tight they are and to
see if you can free yourself if necessary. But they
are tight. Very tight. Soon I return with a bucket
of ice, I remove my clothes and straddle you, placing
the bucket next to me. I place a piece of ice
between my teeth and start to rub the ice on your
chest, your tits and your nipples. You close your
eyes to take in this sensation and don't see that I have
reached into the bucket for another piece of ice. As
I continue to apply the ice to your nipples, you
feel them become very numb. You soon feel a very
unusual sensation between your legs as you realize I'm
working another piece of ice around your swollen
pussy lips. And you gasp as I eventually insert
that ice into you and push it in deep. I do this
several more times, filling you with this torturous
sensation knowing that your hot box will eventually
start to melt the ice. You feel a wonderful sensation
as the numbing cold changes to a cool liquid and
eventually warms to your body. As this is happening
I have turned around and am straddling your face as I
offer my cock to you and you begin to suck on
it, taking it in inch by inch. By inch. As I twist
the clothe pins on your nipples, you dutifully continue to consume
every inch of my cock until you feel me in the back
of your throat. I gently pump in and out of your
mouth as my mouth now travels down between your legs.
I have dreamed many times about tasting your sex but
you have always denied me that pleasure. You gasp in
surprise as I pull out a straw from my bag, I insert
it between your lips and begins to drink the hot liquid
that you've cooked for me from the ice. I soon
finish and dive down with my tongue to begin doing
what has only been a dream for me to do. My tongue
gently licks your lips as I begin to tease you.
Just this sensation starts to drive you wild as you
begin to twist, trying to stop me from doing this.
I grab a pillow and place it under you, making it
harder for you to move, and easier for me to reach
every inch of you. My cock is still in your mouth as
you try now to distract me by allowing me to deep
throat you. It works since I stop what I'm doing and
shove myself deeper into you. You begin to gag but
I don't notice, or I don't care as I push
deeper, feeling myself begin to explode. You must be
suffocating from this because you begin to thrash
around but I'm too far gone to stop now. In an
instant I explode down your throat as you begin to
vomit violently, forcing my cock out at the same
time. You find it difficult to gasp for air as you
continue to vomit, your face almost blue now. Seeing
this I immediately begins to help you get air and
eventually (but what seems like hours) your panic
subsides as color returns to your face. You look at me
with hurt in your eyes, but you melt into my arms as
you can now taste my sex in you.

Cliche'

I was having an offline discussion with Kayten and came to realize that my situation can possibly be reduced to cliche's. 'When you play with fire - you'll get burned' 'You want your cake and eat it too' 'The grass is surely greener on the other side' and so on. Fact is, I like to play with fire, specifically that fire that burns within me. If I let Sara go, that fire goes out. So the obvious is for me to find somebody else that can light it again. And trust me, I've tried many times with wife. She's everything else to me, but there just doesn't seem to be even a spark there.

Unordinarily horny today - somebody stoke that fire.

I Wonder

She knows I'm not happy when she leaves without a word. The standing deal we've always had was - "tell me when you're leaving or taking a break, and as long as I can tell in your voice that you're not upset with me - I won't try to call you." I've stuck to it. She knows I will call otherwise, and gets very upset when I do, but she knows how to keep that from happening. Our last talk (last Friday) was a good one (I thought anyway) up until she started to cry just as we were wrapping up our conversation. Should I have tried harder to see what was wrong? Since she was the one saying she needed to go, I didn't want to keep her, but now I wonder. Is she hoping that I call her now? I wonder. I just can't stand the thought of thinking she's hurting because of something I said (or didn't say) last Friday. Does she not like my new-found acceptance to her leaving? I wonder.

I remember once

I remember once during one of our quickies*, while having that look to kill in her eyes, she took my hand and tried to place it around her throat. I thought she just wanted me to hold her face so thats what I did. Afterwards she seemed disappointed and I asked her what was wrong. Apparently, earlier, she had text-messaged me a one-liner that said 'i want you to choke me'. I never got that message. I wonder who did?

*A quickie for us would be me driving 2 hours one way for an hours worth of animal sex in my SUV.

Clarification

I got several emails from my request yesterday (for a woman to help me divert my lust away from Sara). I need to make one thing clear to those that thought I'm being a real dog for even thinking up that plan. That was not an excuse I formulated in my mind in order to justify cheating on yet another woman in my life. Sara has actually begged me several times to find somebody else. During her bouts of insecurity with me, she would be convinced I only want her for the sex. Now come on, 3 times a year is not what a guy looks for when he's only after sex. But her ulterior motive is also to cause a situation that will anger/hurt her enough that she can walk away and never look back. Of course that means she will hate me for the rest of her life, and any thoughts of me will be painful ones. That's not a guess on my part, she's actually told me that a few times.

To the others that wanted to take me up on that, I really need to know where you live, I'll need a picture, and throw in a description of what I could expect during an afternoon with you. Maybe I should post a real Personal ad here so its clear what I'm looking for. But location and attraction are first and foremost. Keep in mind that attraction has alot to do with sexual attitude as well. I'll be anxiously awaiting your responses.

Stats

I finally took the time to look at the stats on who visits my blog. It appears I'm now averaging about 60 hits a day with 15 of those being very regular readers. To you I want to thank for visiting everyday. Considering that I don't have much in the way of insightful comments to make, and I'm just generally doing a mind dump here, I'm guessing that there is some aspect to my situation that you might be relating to. So, if you care to share your story, or have a blog about it, please share it with me via email. To the several of you that have done that already, don't be a stranger. For only being here for 2 weeks, I'm very very happy with that.

The Shower

After the margarita sex, and after relaxing in each others arms, I felt the first of the margarita needing to vacate my body so I excused myself to go pee. As I went into the bathroom, she had followed, gave me a hug and asked straightfaced "will you pee on me?" We had joked awhile back about this but neither of us were really serious. Or were we? My answer was "you first". We got into the bathtub and as I laid down she squatted over my cock and just looked me deeply in the eyes. I was getting a hard-on just from her eyes and soon felt a wonderfully hot sensation overtake my cock and start to saturate my balls. It was hotter than her mouth ever was, and hotter than her pussy. I started to masturbate as she did this and after about a minute her stream ran dry. It was my turn. Now us guys are pretty used to having a morning woody and really needing to pee, but try having a raging hard-on, and an unbelievably sexy woman begging for you to piss on her. I had to totally block eveything out just so that I could relax enough to get a stream going. Soon I was hosing her up and down her pussy for awhile before I started to direct it up her body. She started to motion with her eyes and tongue and I knew what she wanted so I directed my cock right at her mouth as she let the stream hit her all over her face. But none directly in her mouth. She was starting to squirm as I finished and before the last drops fell she had my cock in her mouth, sucking more drops out of me. I don't remember much after that but I do remember it was the most awesome sex I ever had in the shower. And the water wasn't even turned on.

On to something

I've been having a small offline discussion with Kayten about the voices in her head ;) and I've come to realize that its my lust for Sara that is stronger than my love for her. Why is that important to me? For two reasons. First it answers the question of 'If I really love her than why can't I do the thing that is best for her'? And second it explains why - and this one bothers me the most - if I really love her - why I have been recently looking for somebody else to get down and nasty with. Those reasons work hand in hand. If I can divert my lust for her to lusting after somebody else, then my love for her will allow me to let her go. Simple. I hope. Any women interested in helping Sara out?

Oh

Forgot to mention that she had retrieved voicemail very early this morning. But left nothing. What am I putting her through? If she's 100 times more miserable with me in her life - as she keeps saying, why does she still check in? There was a time that we were additcted to communicating to each other. 20 or more emails a day along with several voicemails. 24/7. But its been almost a half year since we finally broke that addiction. What could it be then? The sex? I realize I don't have to be that good, only better than her husband. But the opportunity for us to get together is so few and far between, there's no addiction to that, only an addiction to the 'desire' for it to happen. What am I not seeing?

Margaritaville

As I sit on the edge of the bed I'm mesmerized by her amazing bronze body as she pours out the frozen margaritas for us. She places a straw in each glass and walks over to me, a shit-eating grin on her face. As she hands me my glass, she sits down next to me and plays with her straw. With one finger she traps the slush in the straw, withdraws it, tilts her head back and with the lift of her finger releases the drink into her open and awaiting mouth. She does this a few more times, but the last time she leans back a little further and release the ice-cold margarita onto her chest, letting it run down and pool in her belly button. As she had hoped I lean down to drink up the pooled liquid and then run my tongue back up to her chest, cleaning every last drop from her. She continued to drip the margarita on her body as I dutifully licked up every drop. One on each nipple, another dripping down the front of her. I put my drink down and grabbed her arms standing her up. I knelt down in front of her and without a word she released more of the ice-cold sensation down her body, only now it didn't pool in her belly but instead went all the way down to my waiting tongue. Just at the top of her clit. Some of it would continue down either side of her pussy and down her legs, but my tongue kept up, licking up every drop. Soon I was now licking her moistening mound and letting the margarita flow over, and into her pussy. As my tongue parted her lips, and my hands parting her ass, she continued to empty her drink down her body - allowing me to use her pussy as my personal cup. With her glass now empty, I push her onto the bed and on her back and finish my job of cleaning her up with my tongue.* I turn her over and taking my glass I pour the margarita over her back. I tease her and let the coldness set in while I just lick and taste her dry skin. Eventually I let my lips and tongue slurp up the warmed up liquid to her moans of delight. With one hand I part her ass and pour more onto her anus as it immediately runs down and into her pussy. Starting there I use my tongue to clean between her lips and slowly move up to the melting slush that is still on her asshole. Tongueing thru the slush I find her opening and slowly coax it to open up for me. As I allow some of the margarita to find its way in I reach for a strawful again. This time I drip the slush directly into her asshole and watch as her muscle contracts to close up again. Once again I use my tongue to coax it open and drip in more as she starts to squirm in delite of the sensation the cold is causing her. She begins to raise her ass up to my face inviting me to fill her up and I dutifully oblige her. Unfortunately only few drops can find their way in but her asshole is now numb from the slush. With one and then two fingers I invade her with the hope of dripping more into her but by now she is begging me to fuck her in the ass. With one last attempt I insert two fingers and just as I withdraw them I pour the rest of the drink on her ass. She shutters from the cold but shutters even more as she now feels my cock finding its way in. I'm shocked by the cold sensation on my cock but in seconds I'm halfway into her ass and into the hotness. She lifts up on her arms a little so as to guide me all the way in. She turns her head to look at me and I see those eyes again. I now know what the eyes are telling me and before she could mouth the words "Fuck me harder", I was already slamming her head into the headboard with my thrusts. I don't know if it was 10 thrusts are 100, but I do remember unloading so violently into her that my balls hurt. I knew she hadn't cum yet so I continued to fuck her while I was still hard. Soon she was reaching up for the headboard as her orgasm began to mount. I reached around her and pinched her nipples, pulling them out just as she let out a scream as the orgasm took over her body. The spasms were pushing my cock out of her as she continued to press her ass into me. Soon I felt her relax and collapse down onto the bed. I fell on top of her and then rolled to her side. She was breathing heavy as she turned her head towards me, a big smile on her face, and said "Oh. My. Gawd".

*This turns out to be the only time she has allowed me to do oral on her. Other times she becomes embarassed and pushes me away. In hindsight I now see its probably because she believed I was only tasting the margarita - and not her - something she's embarassed for me to do.

Gone Again

Back for 1 day and gone again. That's a record. Well now I'm pissed because I didn't give her permission to leave. But I'm not surprised, its pretty indicative of our relationship as a whole. She does what she wants and blames me anyway. I had left her a voicemail early Monday morning pretty much echoing my thoughts that I expressed last Friday. I told her I want to continue in the direction we were heading because I finally did see an end in sight. Of course she hasn't heard it yet. Essentially haven't heard from her since last Friday.

But I'm not sure anymore now - she just probably dragged us back onto that rollercoaster we've been riding for over 3 years. Sigh.

Need Help

I can't believe I need help with this. I can't figure out how to add links of the blogs that I frequent. I know HTML, I maintain my own website. I don't ever need to ask for help on these things.

Help!

More Sex

Alright. I've been reminded that I've promised more details on our sessions together. I tried to write about our first time we spent a whole afternoon together in a hotel room, but frankly I'd be making up a story. I do remember very vivid details, or rather highlights of that day, but to give those things cohesion, I need to make up the glue. So instead I'll write about these details in short paragraph form as they come to me. We'll start with the wall. Just moments after we closed the door to the hotel room I had her up against the wall, dry humping her as she wrapped her legs around my waist. We slid to the ground - oops. Figuring it was the type of blouse she was wearing, we ripped off each others clothes and I had her back against the wall again as I furiously tried to impale her with my cock. As long as I had every inch inside her things were great, but as I pulled out to pump her hard we were back on the ground again. How embarassing for both of us - I wasn't as strong as I thought, and she wasn't as light as she had hoped. But in a few seconds she saved the moment as she showed me a talent she had. Turning away from me, she spread her legs wide and slowly bending over she grabbed her ankles. Oh my gawd. I needed no invitation to enter her already swollen pussy, and it felt awesome. Because of her being bent all the way over, my cock was rubbing tightly against the back wall of her pussy and I had a wonderful view of her anus. My thumb began working it gently as she moaned at the thought of me invading her this way. As I drove deeply into her I had to make very sure I didn't topple her over. I didn't want another embarassing situation. My thumb found its way into her ass as she coaxed me to go deeper. Soon, and with her shouting "Fuck my ass!!!", I started pumping her full of cum. Damn! I had no desire to cum so soon.

Reading this I realize how clumsy its written. But then again, it WAS very clumsy. Not the way I wanted to start our afternoon together. It got waaay better though. Time to break into the margaritas she made/brought for us.

V-Day

My view of Valentine's Day. It sucks. Women become too anxious on this day, and men hate this day. Yes, we can do some sweet and sexy things for our special someones on this day - but think about this - it might be because we feel we HAVE to do something. How special does that really make you women feel?

She's being bad

She's testing my authority. I had requested that she check in with me this morning. I know she would be getting in late last night from a weekend trip with her family, so I told her my demands for today will be light. No word from her yet - she's being very bad.

A Small Detail

Since I haven't had much time to tell our whole story, there is one small detail you should know that makes my decision a little tougher. I like awesome sex. I have awesome sex with Sara, but because of the distance between us, her having 4 little kids and a house to run, its not very often. Not very often at all. And this will floor you - only about 10 times in 3 years!!! I need my head examined, don't I? But this brings me to the point I want to make. It's because of Sara that I have not had any other sex partners. Plenty of opportunities, but after I fell in love with her, I promised her that there would be nobody else. I know what you're thinking, why can't I keep that same promise I made to my wife. No answer. But I'm certain that if we do break it off, I will be out hunting for some awesome sex. No doubt in my mind. So you see, in a way, I'm able to curb my desires with Sara around. I am trying to be good.

Nice

Had a nice conversation with Sara today. After a little teasing on her part, she confessed that we were n-sync* with that control email. She was planning on leaving the same kind of email requesting I do just that. That's the one aspect of our relationship that still makes us laugh. Whether its leaving messages at the exact same time, or formulating ideas, we are always n-sync. But what I was hearing in the background was anguish in her voice. And then came the tears as we were ending our conversation. She said it was nothing and that she loved me and she'll talk to me later. Well that got me thinking again. I really need to end this for her sake. As I commented in a previous post, this last seperation was so different from the others. I finally felt good. My memories of her were all good. And there was no pain. Just that damn ache. But how would I have felt two weeks later? A month later? Years later? I need to think some more.

* A few nights after I had just met her, she went to an N-SYNC concert with some other (30 year old) friends. It became an inside joke.

Its Bad

Ok bad boy what's it gonna be? where's it gonna be? when's it gonna be? Let me know, bad boy.

Oh yeah! I got a hard-on wanting to jump outta my pants! But I kinda feel like that dog that chases cars and finally catches one. What the hell do I do now? If I let things get back to the way things were, it'll just continue to be a vicious circle. But I don't want this to be a game we play. There's too much love between us to trivialize this.

But now she's back. The answer to the blog is yes. And I had so much more to write about us. Especially our 'sessions' together. Maybe I need to start another called "But For How Long?". I could link to it from here and continue this saga there. Only to return when that next time comes along.

I'll start by sniffing the tailpipe, and then maybe licking myself.

Hate

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME WANT SOMETHING THAT I CAN'T HAVE. I hate missing you. I hate wanting you. I hate needing to be your fuck slave. I hate that your cock raping my ass brings me pleasure. I hate that I want you to take me now.

That's what I hope to hear. That's what I want to hear. It's something she's said many times before. But is that what's waiting for me?

Message Awaits

Shit. I have voicemail. Don't have time to deal with this today. At least not this morning. Anxiety is really high now. You know that feeling you get when you're waiting for a test result - and its finally in? Not ready to deal with the bad news, but really want to hear good news? Ditto.

Log

If you're keeping score:
Thursday Feb 3
2pm - Hour long conversation on the phone. Discussed getting together on Valentine's Day, and also if that should be our last time. But I could tell she was distant, not all there.
3pm - Received my last email from her:
okay Guess you do know me too well. you do know what makes me tick. sooooo hot right now. LOL Just when I think it's the furthest thing from my mind. I need your cock
5pm - Received my last voicemail from her:
I can't do this anymore. Times my world feels likes its crumbling down around me - what I want and what I can't have. I hope you can understand the turmoil that causes within me. ..... I'm gonna do it, and I'm truly gonna stay away. I just need to remember how awful I feel when I'm in it is 100 times worse then when i'm out.
Friday Feb 4
8pm - She retreived email and voicemail messages. No replies.
Tuesday Feb 8
8am - She retreived email. No reply.
Thursday Feb 10
8am - Retreived email and voicemail. No reply.

I feel like shit.

The Wait

This morning she finally retreived that voicemail I left 5 days ago. But no replies from either email or voicemail messages. That's a good thing if they angered her - keeps her from sending me a message she might regret. Now the wait. And what's my next move. Ok, that's actually my next move - to wait. Now the anxiety has kicked in. The doubt as well. Will she see this as a game, or as a new direction? I was able to listen to that voicemail since she's retrieved it now. It scared me. I sounded more angry than controlling. I don't feel either right now. I just want to wrap myself around that finger of hers again. That's such a great place to be when she's hot, horny and wanting me. She's still in her nightshirt, sitting in her leather chair, one foot propped up on the desk, the other on the printer stand next to it. Her hand massages her breasts, pinching her nipples as she glides that finger up and down her moist mound. Following that crevice as it slowly seperates for her, we dive inside and swim in her juices. This is where I take over. This is when I take control. Now is when she's totally mine.

Figuring Her Out

This would be a big step for Sara. For me to take control of her is an acknowledgement that I've figured her out. Nothing has infuriated her more than when I'm right about her. Maybe infuriate is not exactly the word, but she does make an attempt to throw me curves to keep that from happening. It's these mixed signals that have kept me around, and allowed me the ability to filter out the noise. Because eventually she will always confess the truth about when she was misleading.

I think one thing that is surprising me is how I'm handling this. In the past I would build up such anxiety, checking for messages several times an hour, many times a day, every day of the week. And any memories I would have of her would be painful. Most probably because I feared we would never create any more. It's not how I wanted to leave things. I always believed (and still do) that there is a way to end things, and still alleviate the pain. I realize that in time bad memories will fade and be replaced by good ones, but the problem was/is - it's the good memories that become painful when she's gone. BUT! Not this time. Since I now have a much better understanding of what's she's going through - thanks to bloggers - I'm surprisingly at ease. And blogging about it has become very therapeutic as well. The memories don't hurt. There's no pain. There's no anxiety. Hmmm. Guess its time for me to walk away as well.

Now if only I can get rid of these aches. Aching to hear her voice. Aching to hold her. Aching to touch her in such animalistic ways. And of course this big ache in my pants.

The Other Half

The voicemail I left her (see previous post) was only half the message. The other half was in an email I left her. In the past, she usually checks voicemail first, then a little while later she'll check email. But this time she has only checked the email. Here is what I wrote:

I think its time I take over now.
I think its time I relieve you of the pressure of making the decision.
I keep telling you how your feelings are out of your control,
so now I will take everything out of your control.
I tell you when you can leave, and for how long.
I tell you when you need to come back.
I tell you when we're going to talk to each other, and
when we're going to see each other.
You tell me how bad you need to suck my cock.
You tell me how bad you need to taste and be tasted.
You tell me how bad you need my cock to fill your ass.
You tell me your need to be punished for leaving me all those times.
You tell me how bad you need to be bad.
Deal?


It seems I'm playing a game here. I've never done that previously when we've seperated - or at least not on purpose. Things are definately changing in my mind.

Checked In

Yesterday morning she checked email. But not voicemail. As I mentioned before, these are accounts that are just for us. I've been asked what type of messages I leave her. Usually the first messages are just stupid little things - things that I've been meaning to tell her, or couldn't find the right time to tell her. Just thoughts I want her to carry away with her. Afterwards, the messages just become therapeutic for me. Just a place to dump how I'm feeling at that time.

But not this time. Here is the voicemail that is waiting for her.* It goes something like this:
Our next time together you'll become my sex bitch, my fuck slave, I'll throw some money on the dresser so you become my dirty little whore as well. I'll tie your arms down to the bed and plunge my cock into your pussy and fuck you until it becomes swollen. Then, without warning, I'll ram my cock up your ass and rape your asshole raw. I'll hear your screams of pain turn into screams of ecstasy as I violently unload into you - giving you the ultimate cum enema. Then I'll untie your arms and turn you over so that I can softly kiss and lick your bloodied asshole until I have to leave. But I won't be gone. For days and weeks, each time you walk, sit, or shit, I'll be there. I'll be that wonderful pain in your ass. Pick the time and place.

*I have stated before that each time we have gotten together we seem to expand the limits of our boundaries sexually. We were headed in this direction.

Laissez le bon temps rouler!

Fat Tuesday - busy day for us bartenders. Beads for boobs, 'bloons for bj's. I'm sure I'll have some good stories for tomorrow. Till then - 'Let the good times roll!'

First Time

So we cyber-sexed some more. For days. For weeks. Then I got a phone call from her. She was ending it for sure now. She's tired of fantasizing about me, dreaming about me. Tired of her pussy dripping down her leg all day, tired of having to change her panties before her hubby came home. Tired of her world revolving completely around us. Just tired of wanting me so much, but not having me. It was put up or shut up time. I set a meeting place, and within 2 hours we met up. She only had 20 minutes before she had to head back home so we didn't bother with a room, we just fucked like wild animals in my SUV. Tinted windows, seats down. My only real vivid recollections of that first time was slamming my cock in her doing it doggy style, she turned her head back towards me and had this look to kill. "FUCK ME HARDER!!!" came out of those soft, sweet, sensitive lips. The fire in her eyes took my breath away. I think just out of fear, I fucked her harder than I've fucked any woman before in my life. She experienced her first orgasm. She cried. She straddled me while I sat down, wrapped her arms around me and continued to cry. I was confused at the time, I thought it was out of guilt at what she had just done. But soon my cock was hard again and I felt her trying to slide it up her pussy. She wanted more and I was ready to give her more. Once I had entered her, she leaned back on my legs. What an absolute beautiful sight that was. A vision I will never forget - seeing my cock deep in her swollen pussy, her beautiful 34DD tits in motion, and once again that fire in her eyes telling me to fuck her raw. I did.

Whew. I'm wet now and I have an urgent need to masturbate. This ones for you Kathy. ;)

Almost There

A reader emailed me and asked that I write a descriptive post about one of the times Sara and I had fucked. I was eventually leading up to that. It's obviously easier for me to remember details and write about our most recent 'session', however that would be like reading the end of a book first. We have managed - in each successive session - to have expanded what we had thought were our sexual boundaries.

Although we met at one of my 'bartending' gigs, distance was a problem (2 hours apart). So we relied on email initially to 'feel' each other out. It was interesting to hear how her side of the night (we met) went, and likewise to hear about my side. We expanded to talking about our marriages but never really talked about what was wrong. What is causing us to become fixated on each other. Next we talked about sex, and that shifted in high gear in just one day. We talked on what we would do to each other when we eventually got together. BTW: During this time she attempted to end things, knowing where it was inevitably leading to. I assured her that the distance between us alone was going to keep this from going anywhere serious. Whoops.

About Me

It's tough to let you know all about me, yet try to keep my anonymity. In my daytime job I'm a professional in an unnamed field. And my hobby - lets say I'm a weekend bartender since what I do puts me in touch with the same kinds of people. And affords me the same kinds of opportunities. I'm 'knock down' gorgeous, hot, attractive, killer bod, killer abs, sexy, and an awesome fuck. At least according to comments I get from other women. I'm way more humble than that, but I don't shy away from flirting with even the most unattainable women. And thats the point of my humbleness, I flirt with alot of - what I consider - unattainable women.

About Her

Sara (obviously not her real name) is a blonde, blue-eyed, bombshell. For those who watched the Man Show, she is a dead-ringer for Juggie Vanessa (Vanessa Kay). No shit - jugs and all. At least she looked that way when I met her, she's had two more kids since then, but has already lost all that weight plus 10 more pounds. She has a voracious, uninhibited, unsatiable appetite for sex - but only with me. I call her my very own porn star. Her hubby gets a fraction of it - sometimes - whenever we can't find time to get together. She's likes it rough, loves it up the ass, swallows, yells and screams. And as a chaser she wants to curl up into my arms and fall asleep to my voice.

So if you're counting, that's 4 kids. When the hell does she have time for me? She's a stay at home mom, does stuff for her church, and in every other respect is a perfect wife. She's an all or nothing kind of girl. That accounts for the many times she's left. When she senses she does not have ALL my attention, she wants none of it. At least for awhile.

Tough Love

I hate to admit it, but usually I'm really a mess when Sara leaves. I get real snippy at home, and short tempered. Everything reminds me of her, so I hate everything. It's not because she leaves, we both know it should end, but because of the feeling she can 'do without' me. It's why I leave her messages. To see if she still thinks about me. I'm happy when/if she checks, but disappointed when I get no reply. As I mentioned before, she has left many, many times. And each time I'm more postive than the last it will be for good. Why? She has always come back. Yet I'm sure she won't. Now remember, I said 'usually I'm a mess'. Which obviously means I'm not right now. From reading the blogs of other woman* who have or have attempted to end an affair, I've come to understand what Sara is going through. I know her world still revolves around her thoughts of me. I know she aches as much as I do. And I know all I would need to do is call her and my voice would tear down that wall of defense she is trying to build between us. But I swore I'd never call her. Not for that reason though. We have been very careful and one of the main rules was never to call each other unless it was pre-arranged.

Ending this affair relies heavily on me. I've known that. With a better understanding of what Sara is going through right now will go a long way in assisting me. Now if only I can convince myself it really needs to end. I know the day she checks for me, and doesn't find any messages, she will be hurt. This is truly tough love.

*I thank those woman for sharing their most personal thoughts and I would bet they have no idea the impact they may have on others lives.

Happy shit.

She's checked in already. She's picked up the email and voicemail I left her. But that usually doesn't mean much. Nonetheless, her vow to leave for good this time, no matter what, has a slight flaw. She knows the first step in walking away is that she needs to resist the urge to read my emails, or listen to my voicemails*. Doing so just one day later shows her resolve has weakened already. I feel like shit when that happens because I feel so responsible for that. If only I could walk away and not leave her emails or voicemails, it would be so much easier for her. But I justify in my mind that if she really needs to leave, she knows she must never look back. Like any addiction, the cause of it will always be there, you need to resist the temptation to succeed. But I still feel like shit - but happy.

*both the emails and voicemails are specific to us. What I mean is that those accounts are 'our' accounts and she has no other reason to access them except to look for me.

Us

Passionate. Intense. Exhilarating highs, crash and burn lows. 30 emails a day. 50 if we're having sex. A normal phone conversation has her panties wet and leaves her dripping most of the day. I get a load of pre-cum in mine and the need to masturbate. Phone sex. Wow! Tough to find the right words to describe that. So Wow! is all I've got. When me met she just turned 30, married 3 years, 2 kids still in diapers. She was not sure if she's ever had an orgasm before. She thinks once. She now knows what one feels like, and no, she's never orgasmed before.

I'm wet just writing this.

Why Now?

I would guess every blogger has something happen in their life that makes them decide to start a blog. Here is my reason:

She left again.

I think it's impossible to count exactly how many times she's walked away with the true intent of staying away. More than several of these times it was because she was angry or upset with me. But I usually didn't know that until she came back. You see, most relationships (or affairs) you have the ability to hang up on somebody, walk away from them, not return messages, or withhold sex as a way of sending the message you are angry/upset with them. But not with us. This is/was a long distance affair. Thanks to bits generated by these letters, and the ingenuity and foresight of geeks long ago, we have been able to maintain our affair over these 3+ years. Although it sounds like we have an 'online affair', its not how it started, nor is it our choice on how it is maintained. As it is now - 50% email, 30% voicemail, 15% phone, and 5% physical contact. Or more exactly at this very moment in time - 0% email/voicemail/phone/physical contact. Now, the physical contact I speak of is with each other. If I were to mean physical contact with ourselves, then those numbers change. Phone sex, voicemail sex, and even email sex take up about half our time 'together'. Now you have the statistics on us, next I'll talk about what kind of relationship we had. If you're still interested.